Hetty is Samantha’s great-great-great-aunt who built Woodstone Mansion and will fiercely protect its honor. Hetty was a socialite in her lifetime and is intolerant of those that don’t display decorum worthy of the upper class. She often looks down upon the couple and other ghosts for their undistinguished behavior.

Played by: Rebecca Wisocky
Family members: Multiple children (unnamed), Thomas Woodstone (her son), Sam Arondekar (her great-great-great-great niece), Sophia Woodstone (her great-granddaughter), Elias Woodstone (her second cousin and husband), Jay Arondekar (by marriage), Margaret (her sister), David Woodstone (her great-great-great-grandson)
Ghostly Ability:
Occupation in life: Robber Baroness, Tenement Owner/Landlord
Cause of death:



Hetty Woodstone has very outdated views on society. As a child her parents employed children in their factory and her husband did the same. She also doesn’t believe women should vote, use their voice in any way to disrespect their husband, and that their place is in the home. She also is not a fan of the Irish, believing them to be thieves and liars and often insulting them through demeaning stereotypes. She has a personality much like those who lived in the upper class during the last 19th century. Hetty would not consider herself a people person nor one to go with the flow.

She can be very materialistic, pretentious, and often looks down her nose at others who are not as rich as she was in life. She enjoys the finer things in life such as money, fancy dresses, and dinner parties, and takes a lot of pride in her home. She has very specific ideas of how things should be done and can be a bit stubborn in her stance. She can also be very critical, often pointing out all the things she does not understand or like about Sam or Jay’s life choices. She is also very judgemental as to the way Sam dresses. Hetty is a smidge xenophobic as evidenced by her disdain with people of Irish descent. Furthermore, she confesses that she wasn’t a good person in life as she stole from and exploited others, profiting for her own, or as she sees it, her husband’s wealth. We see a little of her living personality chip away over the course of the first season. In the episode “Viking Funeral”, Alberta convinces Hetty to vote for her as the ghost representative by telling her how hard it was for women to vote,how much harder it was for women of color, and how people had to sacrifice for that right. In “Possession”, we see a more regretful side to Hetty as she reminisces on years lost putting her husband’s needs before her own and not living the life she should’ve.

By “The Vault”, Hetty has grown less obedient as inspired by her observations of Sam. In this episode, she demonstrates growing confidence and strength as she states that she has changed for the better and that she has learned how to speak her mind and that everyone deserves respect, even the Irish.

As we see in ‘Thorapy‘, Hetty is not used to being romantically desired or wanted as her husband often engaged in affairs in other women. We also know she was neglected as a child. So when Issac tries to come on to her, she is excited by the possibility that she is being seduced and craves the romantic attention. She claims that she knew that there was a possibility that they had romantic tension and then begs for him to kiss her, exclaiming that she wants him. However, later that evening, Isaac comes to Hetty to apologize for his behavior. When she sees that he is having trouble with expressing himself, Hetty summons him to sit next to her and lets him know that they have been friends for 130 years and that he can tell her anything. He then admits that he has feelings for Nigel, not her. Hetty responds with love and acceptance stating that he has not been living a lie but that instead for the time that shes known him, he has been her dear friend. They then reminisce about a worker who was in the house and comment on his appearance and she regrets that they haven’t been doing this all along.

In “Attic Girl”, Hetty becomes more resolute in using her voice to stand up for what’s right. She is appalled when she learns of Stephanie, the teenage ghost’s betrayal of Pete’s trust and in tricking the others to play what she called a harmless prank on Sam. She takes great offense to Stephanie’s behavior toward her fourth great granddaughter and leads the others in agreeing to not attend the ghost prom at all.

While Hetty still holds some antiquated views on a woman’s role in business, she has shown to have an advance understanding of economics.

In the second season, we have seen Hetty learn more about her own sexuality and learn to embrace her desires, instead of repressing them. In addition to her newly discovered love of the washing machine in “Alberta’s Podcast” she finally gives into her needs with Trevor at the end of “The Christmas Spirit, Part One & Part Two.”

Although the more confident of the Woodstone Ghosts, Hetty exhibits some jealousy when she believes that she is losing her friend, Isaac, to his new beau, Nigel.

Hetty maintains a certain decorum and believes in the importance of class and status. As such, when she begins her affair with Trevor, she is determined to keep it a secret because she believes that Trevor is not goo enough for her. However, when Nigel catches the two of them in the act and threatens to tell everyone if he does not get what he wants, Hetty, seeing how much Trevor cares for her, decides to tell everyone about their relationship.

Hetty’s ability to forgive is tested throughout “Weekend from Hell.” She is put on the spot in having to make the choice to sift through over 100 years of abuse and neglect to truly forgive her husband so that Pete’s soul is not damned to Hell in Elias’ place. We also see Hetty’s more supportive side of her friends. While she readily has “clap-backs” for just about everyone in the house, when it truly matters, she is a supportive friend who is ready to come to one’s aid when the time calls for it.

Hetty’s support can waver depending on the situation. As she considers herself a woman of high status, she is willing to put herself first regardless of who is might affect. In “Alberta’s Descedant” she was willing to allow Nigel to take Trevor’s room so that she can keep their affair a secret. She was not concerned about where Trevor might sleep or how he might feel after learning that she was ashamed of him. However, in “Dumb Deaths” she abandons her desire to gain control over the television show being filmed at the mansion when she discovers that Pete’s reputation is at stake and encourages the other ghosts to take action to ruin a scene.


Born into money, Hetty has a history common of most girls born in the 1800s. Her parents were emotionally distant and ran a factory that employed children at least 7 years of age. As a young child, Hetty could see Thorfinn whose name she was unable to pronounce so she called him Gordon and mistook him for one of the servants of the house. Thorfinn would sing Hetty to sleep every night which Hetty looks back on fondly.

As a young woman, Hetty was married to her second cousin Elias to whom she was offered by her father as a means of closing a land deal and she was deemed as the best choice as opposed to her sister Margaret who had a mustache. She remembers the occasion as a negative one commenting that he arrived “late, drunk, and smelling of the maid’s perfume.” The marriage turned out to be just as horrible if not more so than her wedding, as Elias could not keep it in his pants and affairs became the norm. This led Hetty to turn to various means of coping such as the use of cocaine and laudanum.

During the series premiere, Hetty is present at the bedside of her great great granddaughter Sophia’s death bed. She briefly gets to speak to her after her passing but Sophia ends up getting “sucked off”, instead of joining her in the perpetual purgatory known as Woodstone Mansion. Upon Sophia’s passing, her great niece, Samantha and her husband Jay inherit the large estate and promptly move in with plans to turn the house into a Bed and Breakfast.

Due to the era in which she lived, Hetty’s conservative and outdated views often conflict with Samantha’s more progressive personality. She is baffled by her style of dress, her makeup choices, and the fact that Samantha works while her husband cooks. She often gives Samanta advice based around the notion of keeping a man loyal, something she was unable to do in life. Over time, we learn that Hetty spent most of her life putting her needs second to that of her husband and deeply regrets it, imploring Sam to take advantage of every moment and live her life to the fullest.

In “Possession”, Hetty’s spirit becomes transfused with Jay’s body. While in it she loses her ability to see or hear her fellow spirits but gains the ability to eat to which she binges just about everything she can get her hands on including trying peanut butter, sour patch kids, and Cheetos for the first time. She also expresses a desire to go to France.

In “The Vault”, she expresses to her philandering husband Elias, who was trapped inside an impenetrable vault for the last 130 years, that she has changed much to his anger, and she is no longer afraid to speak her mind. She tried to convince him to change as well as he will be stuck there for eternity and that it would be a good time to use that time wisely. He refuses saying that he will never change to which Hetty tells him to go to hell. The floor opens up, red light radiates from the ground and down he goes. This causes Hetty to briefly suspect that she may possibly have the power to send ghosts to Hell. She later concludes that that cannot be true but still enjoys holding that possibility over the ghosts for fun.

Thereafter we see an evolution of Hetty‘s character. This woman who seemed haughty and pretentious seems to change in contact with the Livings and other ghosts, despite herself. In ‘Ghostwriter‘ she cares, “certainly regretting it afterwards” as she says, to see Flower who is sad installed in her room. (Indeed, Pete wants to watch basketball only with boys while Flower, is very knowledgeable on the subject) Against all odds, when she hasn’t lived like this in her whole life, Hetty tells her “Flower, I spent far too long forgiving the sins of men in my lifetime. I see no reason why we need to put up with it in the afterlife. Do not just sit there, and take being disrespected by a man. Do something about it.Flower asks her if she became a feminist and Hetty replies that if it’s not about supporting women who handle money or ride bikes then yes, she is a feminist.

In “Trevor’s Pants“, we meet David Woodstone, who is actually Hetty‘s great-great-great-grandson but also one of Trevor‘s old friends. In fact, the night Trevor died, he and his friends and co-workers (including David Woodstone), came into David‘s parents Woodstome Mansion to celebrate another colleague’s promotion.

In the season two premiere, “Spies” we learn that Hetty does not handle relationship conflict well at all. In fact, during life, she often bottled up her own frustrations and resentments with her husband, Elias, and turned to morphine and other substances to help deal with the internal pain that stemmed from her troubled marriage.

In “Alberta’s Podcast,” Hetty complains to Sam about her broken washing machine and how the noise emanating from the laundry room is keeping her from being able to take her daily naps. Sam claims that Jay was supposed to fix it, and she then finds out that he actually spent that time playing Super Mario Brothers. Flower finds Hetty in the laundry frustrated that Jay did not fix the washing machine but rather adds more clothes to it and turned it back on. She suggests that Hetty can deal with a broken washing machine by simply sitting on top of it. After she does this, she experiences a sensation unfamiliar, yet, relaxing and soothing to her. Later, she finds Alberta very upset that creepy Todd is back and she tells her to relax in a calm manner, a behavior that the normally uptight Hetty does not display. The Ghosts are stunned by her language and her stance and they ask if she is ill. She replies that her relaxed demeanor is due to her “magical encounter” with the washing machine, exclaiming that the effect on her is “one of the great mysteries of the universe.Flower then responds that the vibrations of the washing machine aroused her which is why she feels so good. Mortified, Hetty hurries past the group, imploring them to not look at her. However, it would not be the first or last time she took advantage of the broken washing machine. Hetty passes by the rattling noise in the laundry room in a desperate attempt to ignore it. However, her attempts to do some prove futile, as she turns back toward the laundry room.

Following her second trip to the laundry room, Hetty finds Flower in the living room and, feeling ashamed, admits that she succumbed to her demons and sat on the washing machine again. Flower states that it is okay, but Hetty disagrees stating what she has done is immoral and wrong. Flower tells her that her body belongs to her and she has the freedom to do as she pleases. Hetty believes that this may be because her husband has passed away but Flower states that her body has belonged to her all her life and that getting a man’s permission to feel pleasure is an effort by men to control women. Hetty seems to understand but still believes that men are needed to design and manufacture washing machines. When Flower responds that women can do those things too, Hetty appears to be excited at this news, exclaiming that it is a good time to be alive.

At the conclusion of the episode, Hetty goes outside to find Jay accepting a delivery for a brand new washing machine that has been promoted as being one of the quietest on the market. She is very disappointed demanding that Jay not get rid of the old washing machine; that it is working just fine. Once he leads the delivery men to install the new appliance, Hetty says a sad goodbye to the old machine, stating that she would never forget its spin cycle. Flower then finds her and says that she can do other things to achieve “the feeling.”

In life, Hetty’s husband was unfaithful, and engaged in several affairs. Most notably, he conducted a relationship with their Irish maid, Molly, a choice that made Hetty resent Molly for well over 150 years. During “Halloween 2: The Ghost of Hetty’s Past”, a seance that Hetty suggested that Sam and Jay perform to try to liven up a “dead” Halloween party results in bringing back Molly’s spirit which greatly upsets Hetty. She becomes frustrated as to why Molly, whom she considered an adulteress for sleeping with her husband, was able to get to Heaven while she remains on this Earthly plane. When Sam suggests that Molly being back is her opporutnity to forgive her and get closure, which could possibly result in her moving on, Hetty scoffs at the very idea of forgiveness and closure with someone like Molly.

After Sam convinces both women to meet her in the vault to search for a lost earring, she is accidently locked in with them both, invoking immediate panic. Hetty and Molly are both upset with Sam for misleading them, and as they both talk about their connection to Elias, Hetty learns that Molly was persued by Elias. She feared rejecting him as she needed her job to support her child, as her husband had died in the facotry owned by the Woodstones. Hetty responds that she never loved her husband and that she had to marry him so that her father could close a land deal. The two ghostly women find that they have more in common than originally believed; that they were both victims of Elias’ manipulation, ego, and perceived power. Hetty’s demeanor softens as she and Molly discuss their shared detest for Elias, the common interest allowing them to put their grievances toward one another away.

Upon being released from the vault, Hetty and Molly say goodbye, with Hetty commenting that she enjoyed getting to really know Molly. She is however, disheartened when Molly gets to return to Heaven, leaving her earthbound and attempts, albeit unsuccessfully to literally ride Molly’s coat tails in an effort to move on.

Hetty was an absent mother, leaving her children to the care and protection of nannies. This was customary for wealthy families in the late 19th century. And because she died young, she had to watch her children grow into adults and make, what in her mind, were bad decisions. She admits to believing that Sam is doing the same by trying to befriend “the help” and warns her against doing so. She later admits that in Sam having her accident which gave her the ability to communicate with the ghosts of the house, she is now able to have a second chance to get this mothering thing right. This admission helps the two grow closer.

While Hetty enjoyed her private romantic escapade with Trevor during the Christmas holiday, she is embarrassed by it and tells him that it can never happen again and that no one else needs to know.

In “A Date to RememberHetty and Nigel’s relationship is off to a rocky start as she believes Nigel is getting in the way of her and Issac’s friendship. She also take great offense to the fact that Nigel neglected to invite her to his welcome tea until after inviting Nancy from the basement and vows to make him “rue the day” that he made her a rival. Hetty seeks council from her lover, Trevor, wanting to come up with a way to put Nigel in his place. He suggests that she throw a rival party to ruin Nigel’s just as she did years ago with another rival. So, Hetty decides to host a party of her own. She convinces Alberta to go along with it by telling her that she is the house’s most beloved ghost, and that Nigel called jazz “filth”. She convinces Sass to come to her gathering by getting him to believe that that a competing event just to spite Nigel will cause unnecessary drama in the house which is an automatic draw for him.

After Issac confronts Hetty about her competing shindig and calls her his “supposed” best friend, she apologizes to both Nigel and Issac, admitting that she was jealous of how close they had gotten and that she was afraid that she would be left out. This “resolution” makes Issac happy and after he leaves to call for Sam to bring them tea, Hetty recognizes that Nigel invited her late on purpose and it turns out, he does not care for her either. This officially begins a rivalry between Hetty and Nigel.

In “Issac’s BookHetty is unhappy that Trevor has changed his behavior around Samantha, with whom he was infatuated. Wanting to keep up appearances in an effort to conceal their affair, Hetty asks him to keep hitting on her great-great-great-great niece.

In “Weekend from HellHetty is horrified that after thinking she sent her awful husband, Elias, straight to Hell, he has returned in an effort to seek her forgiveness so that he does not have to return to Hell. As he is apologizing to everyone he’s offended, Hetty does not believe his feined sincerity at all. He then states that in order for his soul to be forgiven, Hetty has to forgive him and must sign off that she does. When Elias tricks Pete into selling him his soul, Hetty demands that Elias return it, stating that Pete doesn’t deserve to be in that situation. Elias then blackmails Hetty into signing his forgiveness contract to release Pete’s soul. She struggles with this decision for some time, despite the other Ghosts attempted to strongarm her into making a quick decision. As the pressure mounts, she reluctantly agrees to sign his contract, but before doing so, states that she doesn’t actually forgive him.

Consequently, when she signs, her name fails to appear because she must be sincere when she forgives him. Even after Elias agrees to apologize for the specific transgressions against her, she is still not able to sincerely forgive him. She states that it’s not the transgressions that she cannot forgive, in fact. It’s the fact that in forgiving him and allowing him to stay at the mansion would mean his happiness, and she cannot allow him to be happy because he does not deserve it. After Alberta talks to Hetty about the harm it causes one to hold on to anger, Hetty is able to sincerely forgive her husband, exclaiming that a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

In “Alberta’s DescendantHetty finds herself once again being blackmailed, this time by Nigel, who had walked in on her and Trevor. He threatens to tell of her secret to everyone if Trevor doesn’t give up his room and Hetty suggests that Trevor does as he asks so that their affair can remain secret. Trevor is tired of keeping quiet and learns that Hetty believes that she is too good for him, causing them to briefly break up. Seeing the error of her ways and how much she’s hurt Trevor, she decides to go ahead and announce their relationship to the other Ghosts.

In “Ghost Father of the BrideHetty and Thor were on one of their daily walks in a unfamiliar part of the woods, when they found Crash’s head in a hollow tree stump.

In “Woodstone’s Hottest CoupleHetty is in an official relationship with Trevor. She soon comes to find, however, that they have very little in common and that her embarrassment as to his lack of 19th century decorum has not wavered in the slightest. Bored by what she used to consider exciting, she and Trevor decide to fake a break-up fight so that they can return to simply having fun together without the complexities of a relationship.

Hetty watches, and briefly participates, as the group works together to piece Alberta’s murder together. She hastily agrees with the notion that Theresa, Clara, and Al Capone could’ve all been likely suspects. When Alberta seems to be settled on the idea that Al Capone killed her, she rushes the team to conclude the mystery. However, her hopes are dashed, when Nigel walks in to inquire about what everyone is doing. When Sam states that the murderer was probably Al Capone, Nigel informs the group that while Al Capone did have a bottle of rat poison in his possession, he was meant for himself, not Alberta. He then points to a picture of Theresa, claiming that she was the one who took the bottle from him, putting the “murder weapon” in her possession. She watches as Alberta sadly and painfully comes to the conclusion that her sister killed her and after hearing that Alberta is going to have to live with that pain for eternity, she admits that she knows who killed her. She has known all along, despite her telling Alberta initially that she died of a heart attack. Hetty then sadly admits that it was her son, Thomas, who killed Alberta due to jealousy, as he and Earl were in a secret relationship and it was he who wanted to be rid of his romantic rival. She reasons that he was given this bottle of poison at a horrible time- right after he had been dumped by Earl– and due to his fragile emotional state, he decided to lash out at Alberta.

Hetty attempts to apologize and begs for Alberta’s forgiveness. She, however, does not succeed in sustaining it.

In “The HeirHetty must deal with the consequences of her choice to withhold the truth from Alberta surrounding her death. With Alberta choosing to ignore her, the other ghosts decide to hold Ghost Court since their rift is affecting everyone else in the house. Hetty is not initially on board with this, stating that it isn’t necessary.

Later during the court session, Hetty listens as Alberta accuses her of a hundred years of betrayal. She does not deny it, but asks the court to consider that she has changed in the last hundred years, stating that back then, she stayed silent as was her way in life. She states that in her lifetime, other women were seen as competition, but she has learned through her time with Alberta, Flower, and Samantha, that women together can be a formidable support system, helping one another. She sacrificed what might happen to her so that Alberta wouldn’t go on believing that her sister had killed her. She once again apologizes to Alberta and asks for forgiveness. Alberta again refuses and wants to move on to sentencing Hetty for her “crimes.” The court, which consists of Thor, Flower, Pete, and Sasappis, sentence her to banishment to the woods for one year. She is shocked to receive what she believes to be a steep punishment, but she willingly accepts her fate. But before she can be escorted to the woods, Alberta decides that she would miss her too much and decides to forgive Hetty so long as she relinquishes her room and moves in with Flower, allowing Alberta to have it instead. She is a bit hesitant to live with Flower full-time but is relieved to have finally been forgiven by Alberta, salvaging their friendship.

In “Man of Your DreamsHetty learns that Thorfinn could be the key to her finally getting sucked off, since his last two girlfriends were sucked off while or after dating him. She then proceeds to woo Thorfinn into being her boyfriend.

Hetty’s been used to unfair and unrealistic expectations of women all her life. In 1875, her father found out she was seeing a painter and expressed his deep disappointment in a painting that he did of her, proclaiming it pornography. She was showing her ankle. Hetty’s mother, at the time, was involuntarily institutionalized with hysteria.

In “He Sees Dead People,” Hetty has agreed to serve as Isaac and Nigel’s wedding planner. During the initial planning, she becomes concerned when Nigel refers to Isaac’s book money as “their money.” She warns Isaac to perhaps protect himself in the event that his marriage does not work out. Hetty’s personal experience with marriage has much to do with her views, as she believes that marriage is a “business arrangement.” Sasappis takes Hetty down to the basement where he shows her her painting that her father despised. After he discovered it, he forbade Hetty from marrying her artist beau. Even though she expresses love for him, she sadly agrees to avoid being financially cut off from her family’s fortune. Upon reflecting on her past choices, she understands that her choosing money in many ways made her poorer for it, stating that she was unhappy and never knew true love. She convinces Isaac to do away with the pre-nup idea.

After trying to warn Sam about Carol’s becoming a Ghost, she and Alberta are shunned and told that their advice is outdated nor is it warranted. As slight retaliation, she and Alberta choose to then keep the news to themselves.

In 1895, after Hetty returns from a trip to Michigan (which only took two months!) she learns of Elias’ legal troubles from their lawyer, George. Her family is in legal trouble due to their employment of children in their factories which by this time is against the law. Due to Elias choosing to ignore the law, and because he is now dead in their vault (at the time she believed he had run off with a mistress), the weight of his decisions and inaction falls on her shoulders, and according to George, if they don’t comply with the law of the land, all her assets can be seized.

In “Holes are BadHetty along with the rest of the Ghosts determine that Flower may be lost on the property instead of having gotten sucked off. At the mention of being alone and abandoned, Hetty looks truly concerned and scared.

Back in 1895, it appears as though Hetty is preparing to flee due to mounting legal trouble. Upon the police arriving at the house, Hetty instructs her servants to barricade her in her library to keep her hidden from them. And believing that she had no way out, she used the telephone cord to take her own life.

In present day, as the Ghosts are starting to panic at the thought of Flower being trapped, Hetty unwraps the cord from around her neck and uses it to pull Flower up from the well. She then leaves quickly before anyone can thank her. Later, she explains to Sam and Isaac that she thought she was doing the right thing to protect her son and that she wished she would’ve asked for help instead, deeply regretting the grievous choice she made.


As a wife of a well-known robber baron of the late 1800s, Hetty spends the days of her afterlife, dressed like most well-to-do women of the gilded age in America. She wears a long sleeved layered teal green day dress with a basque bodice and a medium sized bustle. The top of her dress is buttoned up to her neck. The dress is accented by a tall neckline which consists of a white laced layer underneath. She also wears moderate heels which she has recently learned how to run in (from ‘Alberta’s Fan‘ episode). Hetty wears her curly auburn hair up in a high bun while two loose tendrils gracefully frame either side of her face. Her makeup is very conservative to nonexistent. She is a taller woman, about 5’8, with fair skin and blue eyes. She wears earring studs in either ear.


  • Hetty is the American version of Lady Fanny Button from the original BBC ‘Ghosts‘.
  • Hetty is an ancestor of Samantha who inherits the property and moves in with her husband, Jay. She is Sam’s fifth great Aunt.
  • Hetty is the fourth ghost who died on the property, following Thorfinn, Sassipis, and Issac and the first woman ghost of the house.
  • Hetty’s marriage was arranged as she was offered to her second cousin Elias by her father in order to work out a land deal.
  • Hetty lived at a time when Cocaine was believed to be a wonder drug and used it during her lifetime quite frequently.
  • She is the second ghost to have possessed the body of a living, the first being Issac.
  • She could see Thorfinn as a young child (she was unable to pronounce his name so she called him Gordon and mistook him for one of the servants of the house).
  • Hetty was the only ghost who was a mother in life and who died a widow.
  • Hetty’s given name is Henrietta.
  • In Rebecca Wisocky‘s own words, she views Hetty who ”led a life most concerned with propriety and status.” and that ”She’s grown quite a bit in the two seasons [they’ve] been on air(…) She’s learned that she has been wrong about many things. That’s been very fun to play.’‘ (Source)
  • According to Rebecca Wisocky, Hetty‘s death year is 1895. (Source)
  • Rebecca Wisocky states that she ‘‘loves working on this show so much and it is thrilling that so many people are responding to it.” and how, in her opinion, ‘‘the company, writers and crew of ‘Ghosts’ are unparalleled. The visual world of ‘Ghosts’ is so incredibly detailed and luscious. I’m amazed by their (Costume Designer Carmen Alie and Production Designer Zoe Sakellaropoulo) skills daily.”
  • Both Rebecca Wisocky and Brandon Scott Jones, who plays Isaac, have also begun to take proper French lessons while shooting in Montreal, as the entire crew are ”Francophones” who they both love very much.


  • “O’Malley!” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “This house was my pride and joy. Now it could get sold to God knows who… murderers, perverts, Irishmen.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Well I should hope not with those exposed knees and that saucy hairdo.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “A moment of your time! You must repair my wall! I cannot spend another night listening to the Bohemian blabber away. I won’t do it!” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “This is not the solution, this is worst! I demand you remedy this post haste!” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “Well I do believe that women should have each other’s backs, but I don’t believe that women should be allowed to vote. I won’t get into the whos and whys but it has something to do with overtaxing the female brain.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “Oh look at that! I used my female brain to exercise my rights and I don’t feel the vapors coming on at all. Wait, hold on… no I’m good!” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “Sneezing in public… so unlady like! I told her a nip of cocaine would wipe that Hay Fever right out but does she listen?... Everyone knows Cocaine’s excellent for allergies.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Oh I loathe the Farnsbys! They’ve been the Woodstone family rivals for generations…Yes but please don’t put us in the same category. The children that worked in our factories were far happier.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Well, Peter, in the 1880s, it was a medical wonder drug. From headache to hysteria, 4 out of 5 barbers prefer cocaine. (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “It’s the parents who are at fault. Properly raised children would be at home, or working in a factory.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “Without repercussions, these children will never learn…well for one thing, we were parents! We just have also been around for such a very long time we have observed what works and what doesn’t work with regard to disciplining children.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “The tiny fiends approached with malice in their eyes, their torches held aloft… yes that’s the word I was look for, damn my female brain.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “She’d have made a great lawyer had she not gone into journalism, or been born a woman.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “Well, excuse me for dying in heels. Plus, I did not sleep… you know I suffer from nerves. At least when I was alive, I could take laudanum. It’s a simple mixture of alcohol and morphine. You should try it, Samantha.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Well, I didn’t always require such elixirs. When I was a little girl, an angel-voiced servant would sing me to sleep. Some footman or butler…. (to Thor) I think you’re right, it may have been Gordon. I don’t know, we paid them so we didn’t have to remember their names.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “I’m gonna level with you, Thorfinn. You and I, we get along fine but we are not hang out alone together outside the group type of friends. And that’s okay.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “It was you. You sang to me. All these years. Why didn't you say something? You were so sweet to me and I have just been awful. You were there for me when no one else was. Thank you…. Oh yea that’s quite pungent.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Careful, you cad, those sconces are made of pure leaded crystal. They are worth more than Oklahoma.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Mmmm! Tasting food for the first time in 130 years. Ohhh! If women had orgasms, this is what it would feel like!” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “It was an exciting day. But it was strange not to be able to see you all. It has been my constant dream for the last century but then when it actually happened, I missed you guys.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Oh okay. Remember to keep your wits about you amongst those Buckeyes. Rutherford B Hayes was from Ohio so you get it.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “The sanctity of my room will not be invaded once more!” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “No ‘aww’… you’ll never be successful in business if you let the help walk all over you.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Poppycock! He’s probably playing dice with the other roughnecks.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “(Sigh)… he cooks! You work. Your dynamic is grotesque.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Don’t get fresh with me young lady! Straighten your back! You’re hunched over like a washer woman.”- (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “ (Gasp) Murphy! Before we let that Irishman in here we need to lock up the good china and count the spoons!” (Hetty, while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • "Excuse me, Sir! Yes, yes yes, you! Are you a member of a labor union? There is a wrong answer.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “I am a man and as such I will shake your hand.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Can I trouble you for some cocaine? I’m all out.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “That’s just it…I’ve never thought of myself. My whole life I did everything for my husband and put my needs second. I didn’t live the life I should’ve. There’s so many things I didn’t get to do. I’ve never been to Paris.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Young lady! You are aware that your luggage is languishing by the front door? … your choice of course. Not the choice I would make nor the right choice but it is a choice, nonetheless. What are you smiling about? … Well, don’t stay like that. You’ll get laugh lines and your husband will wander.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Elias! How are you not rotting in hell?” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Well, modern women don’t just defer to their husbands, Elias, and I have learned from the living lady of the house that when she doesn’t like something, she says so.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “She and Jay have simply opened my eyes. They have a respectful marriage and you were a terrible husband, Elias. And my least favorite cousin! (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Oh look, Elias. Another opinion, and nothing you can do about that…I haven’t been corrupted. I have changed, a little, for the better, I think. Let’s be honest, Elias, you and I were not good people. We stole, we exploited, we profited off others’ misery. But while you were trapped in that vault, I have been out here, learning from these people. Learning from Alberta to speak my mind and learning from Sam that the Irish are people, apparently. Yes I complain about being here, and yet I want to be sucked off more than anything. But these people have taught me how to be a better Hetty and I say there’s hope for you too, Elias. You’re here for eternity, why not use it to change?” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Well then you can go to hell!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Did I? Did I just? Is that my power, you think? Banishing people to Hades?” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Hello all. I’m feeling in a good mood so you may all remain on this Earthly plain tonight.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “(Gasp) No! You can’t leave us! Just when I finally learned to look beyond the hideous pants and see the wonderful person inside the hideous pants.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Til death do us part. It’s right in the vows!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Oh I hope these nuptials go better than mine. Elias arrived late, drunk and smelling of the maid’s perfume. My father needed to close a land deal and I was deemed as most comely daughter. Damn Margaret and her mustache. She dodged a bullet.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Well this is mysterious” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • Flower, I spent far too long forgiving the sins of men in my lifetime. I see no reason why we need to put up with it in the afterlife. Do not just sit there, and take being disrespected by a man. Do something about it. (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Well, so long as it doesn’t mean supporting women handling money or riding bicycles then, yea I think I am a feminist!” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Well, now there’s an uneven number of men and women so I guess I’m on my own (shrugs).” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “It’s true. We are the similar elevated status and share a mutual appreciation for the finer things.” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “Goodnight, Issac. Sleep well…Oh what’s happening?...He does? Oh my! Is this… Is this seduction? Am I being seduced?... Of course, I’ve considered that romantic tensions could boil over between us! I just was surprised that it’s taken so very long. …. No! I was overcome at first but I want this, Issac, I want it badly and I want it now! My nape! Kiss it! Kiss my nape! Oh Issac!” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “What you have been these past two centuries is my dear friend and that could never be a lie.” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “I would not describe myself as a people person, no!” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Am I willing to go with the flow? No.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • My great-great-great-grandson, who was actually kind of a lause.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Who would ever keep it around long enough to find out?” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Not at all! I was merely trying to supervise, which requires me being near to the host body… I mean Jay.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Ooh ask it ‘who had the more comely ankles at Mamie Fisher’s cotillion?’ and we’ll settle this one once and for all.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Truth be told, we all love Sam and you will too! You guys are the same… except she can do things, is alive, and Trevor has a crush on her, but other than that, she’s just like you!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Are you planning on asking anyone special, Issac? Like a certain British officer you murdered, perhaps?” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “What is wrong with you, Stephanie! You’re 53 years old, you should know better!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Well, then I guess we are out of the prom! No one calls my descendent a jerkwad, which from context I take to be some sort of derision!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • Wait, wait, I’m sorry. So you thought he was coming all the way from Europe to go to a school dance in Ohio?” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Sucked off at prom? I suppose anything’s possible.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “They’re Irish… that’s lovely. Of all the bands in all the land. I can handle it! You should take it down. Take it down. TAKE IT DOWN!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “So… have their been any updates on the Nigel front?” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Don’t think like that! Issac! You’re letting fear lead you. You need to go for what you want. You only have one afterlife. Do not sacrifice your shot!... I am and I am deeply sorry, but it was just so inspirational!” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “This is a very important moment, Issac. I’m honored to be here bearing witness to it…in the room where things are happening.” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Wait! Just in case. I too just want to say that it has been a true honor knowing you. You arrived here a stranger with harlot hair, but you’ve won my heart and become like a daughter with harlot hair.” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “The fates of industries should not be decided by commoners! Sometimes you bite into a sausage, and you get a worker’s thumb. Get on with your miserable day and let the factory owners be!” (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Indeed! Avoid relationship conflict at all cost. Bottle it up! Allow the resentment to fester until the hatred becomes so ever-present, you must turn to the sweet milk of Mother Morphine to numb the pain.” (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Excuse me! But how many times must I bring up the washing machine!? It continues to make a racket that has ruined my slumber. (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “This vile contraption will not let me nap! How is this progress? In my day, the washer never made a peep. In fact, I’m not sure I ever heard Helen say anything at all.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Alberta? Bertie, sweetie, you just gotta relax… it’s all good! Well if you’re referring to my relaxed demeanor, it may have something to do with a magical encounter I had recently with the washing machine… No one knows, Peter, it’s simply one of the magical mysteries of the universe.” (Season 2, Epsiode 2)
  • “Uh, Flower. I have something that I am ashamed to admit, but I feel I must. A short time ago, I succumbed to my demons and I sat on the washing machine again. It’s not okay. It’s weak and immoral!” (Season 2, Epsiode 2)
  • “Jay! Who are you to play God?! Goodbye, old friend. I will always remember your spin cycle.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Yes. How can we get the halls of this once proud home crawling with even more commoners.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “The cure-all elixir that gives you vim, vigor, and verve? What’s the problem here?” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “That Micah reminds me of a stable boy who worked here once. Some found his live body desireable. Not me, of course, because I am a lady. Ooh yea, touch those toes.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “That is a very underhanded business maneauver. Tip of my cap to you, Sir!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “When I was a girl, I would wile away afternoons in its glorious shade. I was even married under that tree. You know what? Cut it down.” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “I don’t care what you’re into, you deviants!” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “Oohhh, if I wanted to look uuup stable boys… is that in there?” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “You are becoming the party guest who overindulges in cocaine and traps one in the corner, going on and on about Gilbert and Sullivan.” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “In my day, the occult was all the rage. Why not conduct a seance? What’s more Halloween than that?” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “How did that floozy get to heaven and not me? She’s the adulterer, she brought shame on my home… …You mean for me to push her down the stairs? That is not bad, Samantha. She would heal instantly, but it would be fun to watch her tumble… …” Forgiveness? Closure? I’m sorry, the words are ridiculous enough, but coming from someone in that wig, I simply cannot!” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “But all your jewelry is so cheap. Why even bother?” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “You can make any situation about you. Meanwhile, I am stuck down here with someone whose company I do not enjoy… …I like to fantasize that is was agonizing, full of misery and pain. His hungry lungs crying out for air that would not come. Or…perhaps it was lovely.” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “Ha! I didn’t love him! I married him because my father had to close a land deal. I quite disliked him.” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “I am rooting for you, Samantha, but, on the other hand, it would be nice to spend eternity together. Sort of a win-win situation.” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “Take me with you! I’ve changed! Let me ride you while you get sucked off! Don’t leave me here with these peasants! Take me with you!” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “Well, Trevor, that’s just how the world works. You’re new money and you always will be. In the meantime, it is I who gets the shaft. And let me tell you, it feels so good.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “What if, instead of bidding against each other and driving up the price, we form a coalition? Utilize the power of collective bargaining?... … I did not use the U-word. I am simply suggesting if we band together and agree not to buy any TV time, it becomes valueless. And Trevor will have nothing.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “No, Trevor. Not if we stick together. Because together…the power belongs to the people. Oh I hate myself. I really hated saying that.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “It seems like money wasn’t just about money, then. It was about friends. About having someone to share it with. But now, your pursuit of wealth has left you all alone. Take it from someone who actually was rich. It’s lonely at the top. The question you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it?” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “Now, is that all? Because Paula and I have a million things to do if we’re gonna make our day… … Producers coming through! Clear the way!” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “And that is why you are you and she produced World’s Hottest Dentists.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “While I have poured my heart and soul into this production, my allegiance is with Peter. And I know how we can shut this thing down. Thor, we’ll need your ghost power. We’re going to focus on your destructive capacity on the most important part of any production. Oh sorry, I thought you were purposely making a joke. No I am talking about the camera.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Because I told him so… producing!” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Event? What event? Nothing was run by me as lady of the house.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Well, I don’t like that the event promotes alcohol use…But I do like your description of it as high-end. Sounds snooty. Well done.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “As the wife of a robber baron, if I might just add, sometimes one must skirt the law to advances one’s own business.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Samantha, fire up that podcast machine. We got two new suspects.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Probably needs to check if his man parts are still there.” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “Yesterday, Jay showed me a video that rocked me to my core. When I asked Samantha to replay the short lumberjack film for me, she refused, saying that she needed her phone for personal affairs.” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “Well I’ve successfully removed myself from the unrelenting grip of the Tik Toks. It mustered all my self-control, but I did it.” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “I blame Child Labor Laws. How are people supposed to get experience when they’re wasting their youth in schools?” (Season 2, Episode 11)
  • “I will mean a return to slightly more work for the two of you, but you'll be able to speak freely to us once again, which is a trade-off I, for one, am willing to make.” (Season 2, Episode 11)
  • “It’s time we finally discuss our little Christmas dalliance. It can never happen again. And it is imperative that not another soul ever find out. I mean it would be… just humiliating.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “My friend, that lie would be much easier to sell… with some pants on.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “Don’t compliment the help. In order to perform at their best, they must be kept hungry and afraid.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “Samantha, when it comes to handling household staff, I know of what I speak. So you must trust me when I tell you that nothing good can come from getting enmeshed in this young man’s personal affairs.” (Season 2, Episide 12)
  • “There! You’re forbidden!” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “That is it! You’re inheritance is going to your cousin!” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “I really don’t know! It’s so hard to discipline from beyond the grave.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “Samantha, you made a mistake by treating Freddie with basic human decency. But you needn’t compound it by continuing to do so… .., It doesn’t matter if his girlfriend dumped him or his right arm was torn off in a iron foundry, you need to tell him to stop whining and put that stump to work.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “I could be hard on a man when they needed it.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “I was not the best mother. I delegated the care of raising of my children to others. And I missed out on being a part of their lives. And then, after my death, I had to watch my chidlren become adults in this house. Unable to help them. To give advice, to guide them… … I have watched generations of Woodstones make mistakes in this house. But then, after 100 years, a miracle happened. You fell down those stairs, and I was given a second chance. To be heard.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “What a strange toy for a toddler! I mean, what’s wrong with a simple stuffed raven, or a good old-fashioned lead rattle? Am I right? Parents these days.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Just go speak with him! Yes, you’ll look foolish but that’s nothing new. Bite the bullet.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Two follow-up questions? The foreman at the factory would have given him a swift crack on the jaw.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Oh Peter, don’t beat yourself up. There’ll be plenty of time to ruminate on your cowardice later.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “And so one more of us is going to die so that Jay feels heard.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Congratulations, Trevor, or my condolences. As an etiquette stickler, I confess I’m at a loss.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “And that’s coming from the famous cuckold.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “I’m a lady, that’s to be expected. Your thing’s just weird and sad.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Oh, was sort of expecting a comforting follow-up. I guess we’re just getting information.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Agian, it just never takes that uplifting turn.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Aww, Jay’s getting on board with attempting to have your parents fornicate. That’s nice!” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “It was very educational. Esther put on quite the master class.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • It’s very hard to take this story seriously with you using those monikers.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Well, that was rude. He invited me right in front of you. Now, he has every reason to not want something like you at his formal event, but still, he could’ve waited for you to crawl back down to your lair before approaching me.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “Well this challenge shall not go answered! Nigel will rue the day he courted Hetty Woodstone as a rival.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “I’m finally ready to try that thing you’ve been asking me to do. But just this once, and just for a few minutes we can engage in… pillow talk.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “Don’t read into it. I still largely view you as a replacement for the washing machine. But matter are on my mind, and I need an ear to bend.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “You are one of the smartest washing machines I’ve ever come across.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “I’m sorry–toes have already been stepeed upon. By Nigel. He is throwing a welcome tea on the one night that happens to be the half-birthday of this house’s most beloved ghost?... …Plus, I heard him calling jazz American filth.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “The truth is, I acted the way I did because I was jealous. At first, of course, I was happy that you and Nigel had gotten together, but then he moved in, and I started to worry that perhaps I might be left behind. And I may have sued the slight as an opportunity to lash out.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “You were given an opening to say something crude about Samantha’s figure and you choked? I mean the possibilities were literally endless. ‘Boy, I’d like to get my hands on those melons.’ ‘Can I honey-dew you?’ ‘Let me tap on those things to see if they’re ripe.’ That’s just to name a few.”(Season 2, Episode 16)
  • “Agreed! But what can one expect from an untethered bachelor, who’s just out there hitting on anything that moves?” (Season 2, Episode 16)
  • “It’s not what you think! Quick, say something sexual about Samantha.” (Season 2, Episode 16)
  • “That truly could not be presented in a sadder manner… …I mean, it’s just…It’s so patronizing.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Oh no, this is not possible. Elias, you went to Hell. How are you back?” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Oh please! I don’t buy this act for one second. You’re not sorry for any of it.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Okay, you walking social disease. If I forgive you, will you at least stop talking to me for the remainder of your visit?” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Elias, you let poor Peter out of this deal at once. Look at him. He will not survive a minute down there.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “If I forgive Elias, I’ll be stuck with him for eternity. That would be like sending myself to Hell.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Well you should’ve thought of that before you traded your soul to save some snot-nosed urchin.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Well that’s nonsense. I employed hundreds of them.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “For the record, I don’t actually forgive you, but I will sign your dumb form.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “I want your TV time for the rest of the year… …I have something of value, Isaac. I’m not simply giving it away like some Irish tramp in a tavern.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “No, much like your own proverbial pen, this one doesn’t work.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “I-It’s not that I can’t forgive Elias’ heinous actions, it’s that releasing him from Hell would make him happy. And I don’t want him to be happy. He doesn’t deserve to be happy.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Elias…I forgive you.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “I admit I was a bit skeptical. But you were right, Alberta. A weight has been lifted.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “I know you had your own reasons, but I do appreciate this. Thank you for going down on us.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Uh, he’s clearly referring to the secret stash of chocolates that Jay keeps hidden in his sock drawer.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Alright, you filthy little teapot, you have us over the proverbial barrel. What will it take to buy your silence?” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “The play is that we’re going to do exactly what he wants. You’re giving him your room.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “We’re not doing Splash! Stop asking that.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh, how do I put this? I was a woman of extremely high status, and you got bombed at Mardi Gras with your Lehman Bros. Also, the pants thing. The pants thing is hard to get past.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “First, I would like to thank you all for gathering. I have an announcement to make. This news will be shocking, so if any of you need to sit, please do so now… …For the past three months, Trevor Lefkowitz and I have been engaged in amorous congress. No we’ve been scrumping. Playing a game of nug-a-nug? Must I be vulgar? Fadoodling!” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Enjoy the library, Nigel. There’s a chessboard down there. You may want to study it. Because I just checkmated you.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “We were in an unfamiliar part of the woods, when I heard a voice cry out from within a hollow tree stump, ‘yo skirt, look over here.’” “I am not responsible. I think that would be obvious. If I wanted to dispose of Crash’s head, I certainly wouldn’t have tossed it into the woods. No. I would have waited for a moonless night and dropped it into the inky waters of the old well on the other side of the property. If I had done it, no one would’ve ever found him.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Agreed. He is an adorable little bastard.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Peter relax! She’s been with this man for ten years, and they have a child together. The point is, no one else wants her.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “I know. Doing things with other couples is one of hte best things about being a couple.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “We were copulating secretly for a period of time. Initially stirred to passion on the Lord’s birthday. But now we have come out of the shadows.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “Well be honest. Don’t you grow tired of the smell of English breakfast tea?” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “Well perhaps it wouldn’t feel so long, dearest, if you attempted to participate.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “Oh drop the niceties. Trevor was a disaster. He had no opinions about tea. His knowledge of steam engines was rudimentary at best. Is it really that difficult to carry one’s weight at a social function? I mean Elias was a syphilitic philanderer, but that man sparkled at a dinner party.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “I wish I could say you get used to it. You don’t.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “You know what’s not hot? Displaying one’s genitalia at the tea table.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “Then, back into the shadows we go, where this mismatched travesty belongs. Now take me, you bare-assed libertine.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “Well, of course. Everyone’s in the mood to celebrate. The stock market is roaring and there’s no end in sight.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Yes, because she was trying to be inconspicuous. Which is just what a murderer would do.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Well, it should have been. Alcohol is highly addictive, with none of the productive or medicinal qualities of cocaine.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “I’ll be honest. I didn’t know til very recently that they could speak.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Oooh, the famous Al Capone! Now that is a murderer worthy of you, Alberta!” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Well this is an exciting conclusion to this thrilling mystery. Seems like we can put this one to bed.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Your sister didn’t kill you… …No, I am saying your sister didn’t kill you because I know who actually did. I’ve always known.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “On the night of the party, I was following my son, Thomas around when your sister approached him with the poisoned bottle. She informed him of the attempted suicide and he took possession of the poisoned moonshine. But instead of disposing of it, he placed it outside Alberta’s dressing room, knocked on the door, and slipped away. Your killer was my son Thomas.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Well you may not have known the man, but he knew your man.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Do you remember the fight, the one that you thought was a dispute over a bootlegging deal? Well, that’s not what it was about. Thomas was upset that Earl would not break things off with you had he had promised. Instead, that night Earl broke things off with Thomas… …While still reeling, someone handed my son a bottle of poisoned booze. He was spurned, he was heartbroken, and he lashed out at the woman he blamed for his unhappiness, you.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Look, first you were just an acquaintance, whom my son had murdered. And then later,you became a dear, dear friend…whom my son had murdered. There just never seemed to be the right time to bring it up.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “The thing is, Alberta, I was ashamed to have raised a man that would do that to you.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “I couldn’t let you go on thinking that your sister had betrayed you like that.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • "Agreed! He’s not a child in your iron foundry.” (Season 2, Episode 22) 
  • “Okay, I know that you’re mad about the whole my son murdering you and me not telling you about it for a hundred years, but, but… how long do you intend to freeze me out?” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “And now I know what exotic dancer means. So nice to have that in the gene pool.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “Do we think that Kelsey might spring for the upgraded cable television package?” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “But I ask that the court consider the following. The Hetty of a hundred years ago stayed silent for many reasons. But the Hetty that stands before you today did not. Thanks to women like Alberta and Flower and Samantha, and a washing machine, I have changed. In my time, women were competition. But I now know that they are friends. And I couldn’t sit back and let my friend Alberta believe her sister had killed her, no matter the cost to me. And I know that may not change the way you feel…but I am deeply sorry, Alberta.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “I, too, am here, despite bravely revealing after a mere hundred years that my son was Alberta’s murderer all along.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “It’s been a long time, but we gather, say a few words, much like a memorial for a Living. Though there’s not much in the way of finger foods, because we can’t make finger foods, or hold finger foods, or consume finger foods.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Thor, loss is never easy, but as I once told the grieving parents of a child factory worker who’d been pulled into a loom…by all means take the floor…Ooh. I told them there’s a job opening for your other child, and this time, be sure to cut their hair. They cried with joy!” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Because, thanks to you, this is the one room in the house that isn’t teeming with potato sack-wearing hobgoblins.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Because you are people…Okay that doesn’t get me sucked off?! That was growth!” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “It’s a clever little thing.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Anyplace would be better than here. A prisoner in my ancestral home, my kitchen reeking of exotic foods.” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “So if Jay is correct, and this is indeed a Good Luck Chuck situation, do we believe that any woman Thor becomes romantically entangled with may end up getting sucked off?” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “Poor Thor. You’ve been through a lot. Maybe there’s some way I can…help you relax… I always forget how pungent that wolf urine is.” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “I’ve been stuck here longer than you. If anyone’s getting sucked off, it’s gonna be me.” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “It’s art! And he is a genius.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Now the thing about planning a wedding is that you want it to be a most exclusive event. It’s almost more important who you don’t invite.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Did you hear that? Nigel just referred to Isaac’s money using the pronoun ‘our.’ He said ‘our money.’ That money is not Nigel’s. It’s Isaac’s.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Your wife was community property. I am so sorry. You said that thing earlier and I thought the doors were open.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “I know no one likes to think this at the beginning, but what if things don’t work out? You needn’t look any further than this room to see two sad-sack losers who lost out on love.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • I’m not saying things won’t work out. I am saying, protect yourself in case. No one has more to lose than the rich. Yet no one ever looks out for us.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Isaac, marriage is a business arrangement. Don’t let love cloud your judgment.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Stop looking, you pervert. I see you ankle ogling.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “But I want to marry him…I’m sorry cut off?” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “I didn’t ask for a Dicken’s novel. Isaac, I fear I gave you bad counsel earlier. I once faced a choice between money and love, and I chose money. And in many ways, I was poorer for it… Money can buy wonderful things. Mansions and coachmen and unlimited cocaine. But the point is, I was not happy in my marriage. I never got the chance to experience what you two had. So, don’t throw away your chance at happiness for a petty fortune.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Also, this thing about Eric, lying about seeing ghosts is a reminder of just how rare Samantha’s gift is. And without someone like her around to help us spend it, what good even is money?” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Stop wasting your life sitting around not doing cocaine!” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Ah the Halloween party. So brave of you to continue that tradition after the humiliating failure that was last year’s soiree.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “I see what’s going on here. You aspire to scamper up the greasy rungs of the social ladder. Well, fortunately for you, you have a member of the Newport 400 as your guide.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “Is it too late to completely change your hair?” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “Are you really suggesting manual labor? Perhaps they’d also like to sweep your chimney.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “Don’t worry, Samantha. We’ll visit with Flower but we shall not abandon you in your time of need. We shall be at your side, a constant voice in your ear, aiding you as you attempt to improve your social status.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “Little Miss Living doesn’t want our help.”(Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “We would’ve loved to have given you a heads-up, but we really didn’t want to be a distraction.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “We have all this knowledge and no lives with which to use it. I mean, we can’t even leave the property. But through you, in some small way, we get to continue to live. It’s like they say- you have the whole world, you’re our whole world.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “That’s all we wanted. Now, let’s talk about your hair because your chances with Nico and Sasha were dead long before Carol was.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “You know what I’m sorry, I believe it was actually Jerry that cuckolded you. Carol just cheated. Even in these difficult times, we must be precise.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “One less donut hole than before.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Hopefully better than she swallowed that tiny confection… I am bad!” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Isaac and Nigel are engaged. I was consorting with Trevor and a washing machine. And Thor was with Flower.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “If there’s a God, cocaine… We’ll find out when we look for the cocaine.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Carol, I don't believe you have seen the mansion yet and I would love to give you a tour… So tell us about your interests. Greasy foods? Stimulants?” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Carol, you died with your purse which means everything in it is stuff we can touch.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “With her fingers in our mouth and the candy in her fingers. Sasappis! That’s just genius enough to work… Between your toes is also a possibility!” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Not sure if this is the best time, Carol, but we think we’ve lit upon a solution to this candy business that might satisfy all parties… I think it may have been a bad time.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Oh I was so worried about the china in that trunk. Thankfully, the footman softened the blow. He did not die in vain.” (Season 3, Episode 6)
  • “He’s older than my father was when he died of old age.” (Season 3, Episode 6)
  • “Elias and I once owned a tenement building that we thought would make a wonderful factory. But what to do about the families who lived there and were refusing to move out? Well, we brought in rats and how they scurried. The people, not the rats.” (Season 3, Episode 6)
  • “Just know when you’re beat, Peter.” (Season 3, Episode 7)
  • “As a wedding planner, my job is to remain impartial but this idea is so terrible, I must side with Nigel.” (Season 3, Episode 7)
  • “Well, we lost a coachman to fever in Ohio, but we still made good time. We arrived in under two months.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “Well his absence has left me a social pariah. Apparently, Mamie Fish has been going around telling people I don’t have the ankles to keep a man.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • We’re the largest employer of children in six counties. We’re doing our part, George.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “Surely, there’s-there’s some palm to grease or politician to threaten.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “What if Flower wasn’t sucked off, and instead is lost somewhere on the property, alone and abandoned?”(Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “Well. then, I must depart forthwith… Yes. I shall pick up my son from boarding school, clear out the bank accounts, and abscond before the law can catch up with me…Reginald, barricade me in the library and take whatever bullets you must.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “I had just returned from Michigan to discover that Elias had left me for some trollop. As it turns out, of course, he was shoved into the vault and left to die. So that story had a happy ending.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “Accidental overdose celebrating Elias’ disappearance. I used to always say, ‘You can never have too much morphine,’ but apparently, that is not correct.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “But no, I made a grievous misjudgement… Well, I-I spent most of my life projecting a certain image of myself. But the truth is, I was very unhappy. I did not know how to ask for help. I didn’t even know that that telephone dialed out. At the time, I-I saw no other way out, but it was a mistake that I deeply regret. I still had so much life yet to live.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • “I was trying to protect my son. Elias had disappeared, and I was being held responsible for his crimes. I mean, I did do some of the crimes, but it was mostly him. Anyway, the law was closing in on me, and I had nowhere to turn. I felt like I didn’t have any friends. And-and if I had been convicted, the authorities would’ve seized everything. My fortune and this home. But with me gone, my son’s future would be secure. Or so I thought. I thought I was giving him the one thing that he needed for a successful life: wealth. But then he grew up to be a murderer. And I now know that I didn’t give him the one thing that he truly needed, the one thing that none of that money could ever buy: a mother’s love.” (Season 3, Episode 8)
  • You can go to exotic far off lands, like whatever is west of Michigan.” (Season 3, Episode 9) “You’re afraid of running errands? You sound like my butler during the consumption outbreak of 84” (Season 3, Episode 9)
  • “Peter, don’t you see? You used your scouting and travel agent skills- two things that, up until this moment , seemed completely worthless- to get yourself home! Now, that’s remarkable!” (Season 3, Episode 9)
  • “At the very least, do it for us. We can’t go anywhere exotic. For God’s sake, Nigel and Issac are planning to honeymoon in Samantha and Jay’s room.” (Season 3, Episode 9)
  • “And where are we with the music person? The… jockey of the disc?” (Season 3, Episode 10)
  • “Samantha, ask him why he was over an hour late? That doesn’t speak well of his character. Give Isaac here something bad to latch onto.” (Season 3, Episode 10)
  • “You’ve been around for 300 years, but you’ve really only known who you are for a short time.” (Season 3, Episode 10)