Hetty is Samantha’s great-great-great-aunt who built Woodstone Mansion and will fiercely protect its honor. Hetty was a socialite in her lifetime and is intolerant of those that don’t display decorum worthy of the upper class. She often looks down upon the couple and other ghosts for their undistinguished behavior.

Played by: Rebecca Wisocky
Family members: Multiple children (unnamed), Thomas Woodstone (her son), Sam Arondekar (her great-great-great-great niece), Sophia Woodstone (her great-granddaughter), Elias Woodstone (her second cousin and husband), Jay Arondekar (by marriage), Margaret (her sister), David Woodstone (her great-great-great-grandson)
Ghostly Ability:
Occupation in life: Robber Baroness
Cause of death:



Hetty Woodstone has very outdated views on society. As a child her parents employed children in their factory and her husband did the same. She also doesn’t believe women should vote, use their voice in any way to disrespect their husband, and that their place is in the home. She also is not a fan of the Irish, believing them to be thieves and liars and often insulting them through demeaning stereotypes. She has a personality much like those who lived in the upper class during the last 19th century. Hetty would not consider herself a people person nor one to go with the flow.

She can be very materialistic, pretentious, and often looks down her nose at others who are not as rich as she was in life. She enjoys the finer things in life such as money, fancy dresses, and dinner parties, and takes a lot of pride in her home. She has very specific ideas of how things should be done and can be a bit stubborn in her stance. She can also be very critical, often pointing out all the things she does not understand or like about Sam or Jay’s life choices. She is also very judgemental as to the way Sam dresses. Hetty is a smidge xenophobic as evidenced by her disdain with people of Irish descent. Furthermore, she confesses that she wasn’t a good person in life as she stole from and exploited others, profiting for her own, or as she sees it, her husband’s wealth. We see a little of her living personality chip away over the course of the first season. In the episode “Viking Funeral”, Alberta convinces Hetty to vote for her as the ghost representative by telling her how hard it was for women to vote,how much harder it was for women of color, and how people had to sacrifice for that right. In “Possession”, we see a more regretful side to Hetty as she reminisces on years lost putting her husband’s needs before her own and not living the life she should’ve.

By “The Vault”, Hetty has grown less obedient as inspired by her observations of Sam. In this episode, she demonstrates growing confidence and strength as she states that she has changed for the better and that she has learned how to speak her mind and that everyone deserves respect, even the Irish.

As we see in ‘Thorapy‘, Hetty is not used to being romantically desired or wanted as her husband often engaged in affairs in other women. We also know she was neglected as a child. So when Issac tries to come on to her, she is excited by the possibility that she is being seduced and craves the romantic attention. She claims that she knew that there was a possibility that they had romantic tension and then begs for him to kiss her, exclaiming that she wants him. However, later that evening, Isaac comes to Hetty to apologize for his behavior. When she sees that he is having trouble with expressing himself, Hetty summons him to sit next to her and lets him know that they have been friends for 130 years and that he can tell her anything. He then admits that he has feelings for Nigel, not her. Hetty responds with love and acceptance stating that he has not been living a lie but that instead for the time that shes known him, he has been her dear friend. They then reminisce about a worker who was in the house and comment on his appearance and she regrets that they haven’t been doing this all along.

In “Attic Girl”, Hetty becomes more resolute in using her voice to stand up for what’s right. She is appalled when she learns of Stephanie, the teenage ghost’s betrayal of Pete’s trust and in tricking the others to play what she called a harmless prank on Sam. She takes great offense to Stephanie’s behavior toward her fourth great granddaughter and leads the others in agreeing to not attend the ghost prom at all.

While Hetty still holds some antiquated views on a woman’s role in business, she has shown to have an advance understanding of economics.

In the second season, we have seen Hetty learn more about her own sexuality and learn to embrace her desires, instead of repressing them. In addition to her newly discovered love of the washing machine in “Alberta’s Podcast” she finally gives into her needs with Trevor at the end of “The Christmas Spirit, Part One & Part Two.”


Born into money, Hetty has a history common of most girls born in the 1800s. Her parents were emotionally distant and ran a factory that employed children at least 7 years of age. As a young child, Hetty could see Thorfinn whose name she was unable to pronounce so she called him Gordon and mistook him for one of the servants of the house. Thorfinn would sing Hetty to sleep every night which Hetty looks back on fondly.

As a young woman, Hetty was married to her second cousin Elias to whom she was offered by her father as a means of closing a land deal and she was deemed as the best choice as opposed to her sister Margaret who had a mustache. She remembers the occasion as a negative one commenting that he arrived “late, drunk, and smelling of the maid’s perfume.” The marriage turned out to be just as horrible if not more so than her wedding, as Elias could not keep it in his pants and affairs became the norm. This led Hetty to turn to various means of coping such as the use of cocaine and laudanum.

During the series premiere, Hetty is present at the bedside of her great great granddaughter Sophia’s death bed. She briefly gets to speak to her after her passing but Sophia ends up getting “sucked off”, instead of joining her in the perpetual purgatory known as Woodstone Mansion. Upon Sophia’s passing, her great niece, Samantha and her husband Jay inherit the large estate and promptly move in with plans to turn the house into a Bed and Breakfast.

Due to the era in which she lived, Hetty’s conservative and outdated views often conflict with Samantha’s more progressive personality. She is baffled by her style of dress, her makeup choices, and the fact that Samantha works while her husband cooks. She often gives Samanta advice based around the notion of keeping a man loyal, something she was unable to do in life. Over time, we learn that Hetty spent most of her life putting her needs second to that of her husband and deeply regrets it, imploring Sam to take advantage of every moment and live her life to the fullest.

In “Possession”, Hetty’s spirit becomes transfused with Jay’s body. While in it she loses her ability to see or hear her fellow spirits but gains the ability to eat to which she binges just about everything she can get her hands on including trying peanut butter, sour patch kids, and Cheetos for the first time. She also expresses a desire to go to France.

In “The Vault”, she expresses to her philandering husband Elias, who was trapped inside an impenetrable vault for the last 130 years, that she has changed much to his anger, and she is no longer afraid to speak her mind. She tried to convince him to change as well as he will be stuck there for eternity and that it would be a good time to use that time wisely. He refuses saying that he will never change to which Hetty tells him to go to hell. The floor opens up, red light radiates from the ground and down he goes. This causes Hetty to briefly suspect that she may possibly have the power to send ghosts to Hell. She later concludes that that cannot be true but still enjoys holding that possibility over the ghosts for fun.

Thereafter we see an evolution of Hetty‘s character. This woman who seemed haughty and pretentious seems to change in contact with the Livings and other ghosts, despite herself. In ‘Ghostwriter‘ she cares, “certainly regretting it afterwards” as she says, to see Flower who is sad installed in her room. (Indeed, Pete wants to watch basketball only with boys while Flower, is very knowledgeable on the subject) Against all odds, when she hasn’t lived like this in her whole life, Hetty tells her “Flower, I spent far too long forgiving the sins of men in my lifetime. I see no reason why we need to put up with it in the afterlife. Do not just sit there, and take being disrespected by a man. Do something about it.Flower asks her if she became a feminist and Hetty replies that if it’s not about supporting women who handle money or ride bikes then yes, she is a feminist.

In “Trevor’s Pants“, we meet David Woodstone, who is actually Hetty‘s great-great-great-grandson but also one of Trevor‘s old friends. In fact, the night Trevor died, he and his friends and co-workers (including David Woodstone), came into David‘s parents Woodstome Mansion to celebrate another colleague’s promotion.

In the season two premiere, “Spies” we learn that Hetty does not handle relationship conflict well at all. In fact, during life, she often bottled up her own frustrations and resentments with her husband, Elias, and turned to morphine and other substances to help deal with the internal pain that stemmed from her troubled marriage.

In “Alberta’s Podcast,” Hetty complains to Sam about her broken washing machine and how the noise emanating from the laundry room is keeping her from being able to take her daily naps. Sam claims that Jay was supposed to fix it, and she then finds out that he actually spent that time playing Super Mario Brothers. Flower finds Hetty in the laundry frustrated that Jay did not fix the washing machine but rather adds more clothes to it and turned it back on. She suggests that Hetty can deal with a broken washing machine by simply sitting on top of it. After she does this, she experiences a sensation unfamiliar, yet, relaxing and soothing to her. Later, she finds Alberta very upset that creepy Todd is back and she tells her to relax in a calm manner, a behavior that the normally uptight Hetty does not display. The Ghosts are stunned by her language and her stance and they ask if she is ill. She replies that her relaxed demeanor is due to her “magical encounter” with the washing machine, exclaiming that the effect on her is “one of the great mysteries of the universe.Flower then responds that the vibrations of the washing machine aroused her which is why she feels so good. Mortified, Hetty hurries past the group, imploring them to not look at her. However, it would not be the first or last time she took advantage of the broken washing machine. Hetty passes by the rattling noise in the laundry room in a desperate attempt to ignore it. However, her attempts to do some prove futile, as she turns back toward the laundry room.

Following her second trip to the laundry room, Hetty finds Flower in the living room and, feeling ashamed, admits that she succumbed to her demons and sat on the washing machine again. Flower states that it is okay, but Hetty disagrees stating what she has done is immoral and wrong. Flower tells her that her body belongs to her and she has the freedom to do as she pleases. Hetty believes that this may be because her husband has passed away but Flower states that her body has belonged to her all her life and that getting a man’s permission to feel pleasure is an effort by men to control women. Hetty seems to understand but still believes that men are needed to design and manufacture washing machines. When Flower responds that women can do those things too, Hetty appears to be excited at this news, exclaiming that it is a good time to be alive.

At the conclusion of the episode, Hetty goes outside to find Jay accepting a delivery for a brand new washing machine that has been promoted as being one of the quietest on the market. She is very disappointed demanding that Jay not get rid of the old washing machine; that it is working just fine. Once he leads the delivery men to install the new appliance, Hetty says a sad goodbye to the old machine, stating that she would never forget its spin cycle. Flower then finds her and says that she can do other things to achieve “the feeling.”

In life, Hetty’s husband was unfaithful, and engaged in several affairs. Most notably, he conducted a relationship with their Irish maid, Molly, a choice that made Hetty resent Molly for well over 150 years. During “Halloween 2: The Ghost of Hetty’s Past”, a seance that Hetty suggested that Sam and Jay perform to try to liven up a “dead” Halloween party results in bringing back Molly’s spirit which greatly upsets Hetty. She becomes frustrated as to why Molly, whom she considered an adulteress for sleeping with her husband, was able to get to Heaven while she remains on this Earthly plane. When Sam suggests that Molly being back is her opporutnity to forgive her and get closure, which could possibly result in her moving on, Hetty scoffs at the very idea of forgiveness and closure with someone like Molly.

After Sam convinces both women to meet her in the vault to search for a lost earring, she is accidently locked in with them both, invoking immediate panic. Hetty and Molly are both upset with Sam for misleading them, and as they both talk about their connection to Elias, Hetty learns that Molly was persued by Elias. She feared rejecting him as she needed her job to support her child, as her husband had died in the facotry owned by the Woodstones. Hetty responds that she never loved her husband and that she had to marry him so that her father could close a land deal. The two ghostly women find that they have more in common than originally believed; that they were both victims of Elias’ manipulation, ego, and perceived power. Hetty’s demeanor softens as she and Molly discuss their shared detest for Elias, the common interest allowing them to put their grievances toward one another away.

Upon being released from the vault, Hetty and Molly say goodbye, with Hetty commenting that she enjoyed getting to really know Molly. She is however, disheartened when Molly gets to return to Heaven, leaving her earthbound and attempts, albeit unsuccessfully to literally ride Molly’s coat tails in an effort to move on.

Hetty was an absent mother, leaving her children to the care and protection of nannies. This was customary for wealthy families in the late 19th century. And because she died young, she had to watch her children grow into adults and make, what in her mind, were bad decisions. She admits to believing that Sam is doing the same by trying to befriend “the help” and warns her against doing so. She later admits that in Sam having her accident which gave her the ability to communicate with the ghosts of the house, she is now able to have a second chance to get this mothering thing right. This admission helps the two grow closer.

While Hetty enjoyed her private romantic escapade with Trevor during the Christmas holiday, she is embarrassed by it and tells him that it can never happen again and that no one else needs to know.


As a wife of a well-known robber baron of the late 1800s, Hetty spends the days of her afterlife, dressed like most well-to-do women of the gilded age in America. She wears a long sleeved layered teal green day dress with a basque bodice and a medium sized bustle. The top of her dress is buttoned up to her neck. The dress is accented by a tall neckline which consists of a white laced layer underneath. She also wears moderate heels which she has recently learned how to run in (from ‘Alberta’s Fan‘ episode). Hetty wears her curly auburn hair up in a high bun while two loose tendrils gracefully frame either side of her face. Her makeup is very conservative to nonexistent. She is a taller woman, about 5’8, with fair skin and blue eyes. She wears earring studs in either ear.


  • Hetty is the American version of Lady Fanny Button from the original BBC ‘Ghosts‘.
  • Hetty is an ancestor of Samantha who inherits the property and moves in with her husband, Jay. She is Sam’s fifth great Aunt.
  • Hetty is the fourth ghost who died on the property, following Thorfinn, Sassipis, and Issac and the first woman ghost of the house.
  • Hetty’s marriage was arranged as she was offered to her second cousin Elias by her father in order to work out a land deal.
  • Hetty lived at a time when Cocaine was believed to be a wonder drug and used it during her lifetime quite frequently.
  • She is the second ghost to have possessed the body of a living, the first being Issac.
  • She could see Thorfinn as a young child (she was unable to pronounce his name so she called him Gordon and mistook him for one of the servants of the house).
  • Hetty was the only ghost who was a mother in life and who died a widow.


  • “O’Malley!” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “This house was my pride and joy. Now it could get sold to God knows who… murderers, perverts, Irishmen.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Well I should hope not with those exposed knees and that saucy hairdo.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “A moment of your time! You must repair my wall! I cannot spend another night listening to the Bohemian blabber away. I won’t do it!” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “This is not the solution, this is worst! I demand you remedy this post haste!” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “Well I do believe that women should have each other’s backs, but I don’t believe that women should be allowed to vote. I won’t get into the whos and whys but it has something to do with overtaxing the female brain.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “Oh look at that! I used my female brain to exercise my rights and I don’t feel the vapors coming on at all. Wait, hold on… no I’m good!” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “Sneezing in public… so unlady like! I told her a nip of cocaine would wipe that Hay Fever right out but does she listen?… Everyone knows Cocaine’s excellent for allergies.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Oh I loathe the Farnsbys! They’ve been the Woodstone family rivals for generations…Yes but please don’t put us in the same category. The children that worked in our factories were far happier.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Well, Peter, in the 1880s, it was a medical wonder drug. From headache to hysteria, 4 out of 5 barbers prefer cocaine. (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “It’s the parents who are at fault. Properly raised children would be at home, or working in a factory.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “Without repercussions, these children will never learn…well for one thing, we were parents! We just have also been around for such a very long time we have observed what works and what doesn’t work with regard to disciplining children.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “The tiny fiends approached with malice in their eyes, their torches held aloft… yes that’s the word I was look for, damn my female brain.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “She’d have made a great lawyer had she not gone into journalism, or been born a woman.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “Well, excuse me for dying in heels. Plus, I did not sleep… you know I suffer from nerves. At least when I was alive, I could take laudanum. It’s a simple mixture of alcohol and morphine. You should try it, Samantha.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Well, I didn’t always require such elixirs. When I was a little girl, an angel-voiced servant would sing me to sleep. Some footman or butler…. (to Thor) I think you’re right, it may have been Gordon. I don’t know, we paid them so we didn’t have to remember their names.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “I’m gonna level with you, Thorfinn. You and I, we get along fine but we are not hang out alone together outside the group type of friends. And that’s okay.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “It was you. You sang to me. All these years. Why didn’t you say something? You were so sweet to me and I have just been awful. You were there for me when no one else was. Thank you…. Oh yea that’s quite pungent.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Careful, you cad, those sconces are made of pure leaded crystal. They are worth more than Oklahoma.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Mmmm! Tasting food for the first time in 130 years. Ohhh! If women had orgasms, this is what it would feel like!” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “It was an exciting day. But it was strange not to be able to see you all. It has been my constant dream for the last century but then when it actually happened, I missed you guys.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Oh okay. Remember to keep your wits about you amongst those Buckeyes. Rutherford B Hayes was from Ohio so you get it.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “The sanctity of my room will not be invaded once more!” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “No ‘aww’… you’ll never be successful in business if you let the help walk all over you.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Poppycock! He’s probably playing dice with the other roughnecks.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “(Sigh)… he cooks! You work. Your dynamic is grotesque.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Don’t get fresh with me young lady! Straighten your back! You’re hunched over like a washer woman.”- (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “ (Gasp) Murphy! Before we let that Irishman in here we need to lock up the good china and count the spoons!” (Hetty, while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Excuse me, Sir! Yes, yes yes, you! Are you a member of a labor union? There is a wrong answer.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “I am a man and as such I will shake your hand.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Can I trouble you for some cocaine? I’m all out.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “That’s just it…I’ve never thought of myself. My whole life I did everything for my husband and put my needs second. I didn’t live the life I should’ve. There’s so many things I didn’t get to do. I’ve never been to Paris.” (Hetty while possessing the body of Jay in Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Young lady! You are aware that your luggage is languishing by the front door? … your choice of course. Not the choice I would make nor the right choice but it is a choice, nonetheless. What are you smiling about? … Well, don’t stay like that. You’ll get laugh lines and your husband will wander.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Elias! How are you not rotting in hell?” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Well, modern women don’t just defer to their husbands, Elias, and I have learned from the living lady of the house that when she doesn’t like something, she says so.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “She and Jay have simply opened my eyes. They have a respectful marriage and you were a terrible husband, Elias. And my least favorite cousin! (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Oh look, Elias. Another opinion, and nothing you can do about that…I haven’t been corrupted. I have changed, a little, for the better, I think. Let’s be honest, Elias, you and I were not good people. We stole, we exploited, we profited off others’ misery. But while you were trapped in that vault, I have been out here, learning from these people. Learning from Alberta to speak my mind and learning from Sam that the Irish are people, apparently. Yes I complain about being here, and yet I want to be sucked off more than anything. But these people have taught me how to be a better Hetty and I say there’s hope for you too, Elias. You’re here for eternity, why not use it to change?” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Well then you can go to hell!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Did I? Did I just? Is that my power, you think? Banishing people to Hades?” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Hello all. I’m feeling in a good mood so you may all remain on this Earthly plain tonight.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “(Gasp) No! You can’t leave us! Just when I finally learned to look beyond the hideous pants and see the wonderful person inside the hideous pants.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Til death do us part. It’s right in the vows!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Oh I hope these nuptials go better than mine. Elias arrived late, drunk and smelling of the maid’s perfume. My father needed to close a land deal and I was deemed as most comely daughter. Damn Margaret and her mustache. She dodged a bullet.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Well this is mysterious” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • Flower, I spent far too long forgiving the sins of men in my lifetime. I see no reason why we need to put up with it in the afterlife. Do not just sit there, and take being disrespected by a man. Do something about it. (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Well, so long as it doesn’t mean supporting women handling money or riding bicycles then, yea I think I am a feminist!” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Well, now there’s an uneven number of men and women so I guess I’m on my own (shrugs).” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “It’s true. We are the similar elevated status and share a mutual appreciation for the finer things.” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “Goodnight, Issac. Sleep well…Oh what’s happening?…He does? Oh my! Is this… Is this seduction? Am I being seduced?… Of course, I’ve considered that romantic tensions could boil over between us! I just was surprised that it’s taken so very long. …. No! I was overcome at first but I want this, Issac, I want it badly and I want it now! My nape! Kiss it! Kiss my nape! Oh Issac!” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “What you have been these past two centuries is my dear friend and that could never be a lie.” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “I would not describe myself as a people person, no!” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Am I willing to go with the flow? No.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • My great-great-great-grandson, who was actually kind of a lause.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Who would ever keep it around long enough to find out?” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Not at all! I was merely trying to supervise, which requires me being near to the host body… I mean Jay.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Ooh ask it ‘who had the more comely ankles at Mamie Fisher’s cotillion?’ and we’ll settle this one once and for all.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Truth be told, we all love Sam and you will too! You guys are the same… except she can do things, is alive, and Trevor has a crush on her, but other than that, she’s just like you!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Are you planning on asking anyone special, Issac? Like a certain British officer you murdered, perhaps?” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “What is wrong with you, Stephanie! You’re 53 years old, you should know better!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Well, then I guess we are out of the prom! No one calls my descendent a jerkwad, which from context I take to be some sort of derision!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • Wait, wait, I’m sorry. So you thought he was coming all the way from Europe to go to a school dance in Ohio?” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Sucked off at prom? I suppose anything’s possible.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “They’re Irish… that’s lovely. Of all the bands in all the land. I can handle it! You should take it down. Take it down. TAKE IT DOWN!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “So… have their been any updates on the Nigel front?” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Don’t think like that! Issac! You’re letting fear lead you. You need to go for what you want. You only have one afterlife. Do not sacrifice your shot!… I am and I am deeply sorry, but it was just so inspirational!” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “This is a very important moment, Issac. I’m honored to be here bearing witness to it…in the room where things are happening.” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Wait! Just in case. I too just want to say that it has been a true honor knowing you. You arrived here a stranger with harlot hair, but you’ve won my heart and become like a daughter with harlot hair.” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “The fates of industries should not be decided by commoners! Sometimes you bite into a sausage, and you get a worker’s thumb. Get on with your miserable day and let the factory owners be!” (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Indeed! Avoid relationship conflict at all cost. Bottle it up! Allow the resentment to fester until the hatred becomes so ever-present, you must turn to the sweet milk of Mother Morphine to numb the pain.” (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Excuse me! But how many times must I bring up the washing machine!? It continues to make a racket that has ruined my slumber. (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “This vile contraption will not let me nap! How is this progress? In my day, the washer never made a peep. In fact, I’m not sure I ever heard Helen say anything at all.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Alberta? Bertie, sweetie, you just gotta relax… it’s all good! Well if you’re referring to my relaxed demeanor, it may have something to do with a magical encounter I had recently with the washing machine… No one knows, Peter, it’s simply one of the magical mysteries of the universe.” (Season 2, Epsiode 2)
  • “Uh, Flower. I have something that I am ashamed to admit, but I feel I must. A short time ago, I succumbed to my demons and I sat on the washing machine again. It’s not okay. It’s weak and immoral!” (Season 2, Epsiode 2)
  • “Jay! Who are you to play God?! Goodbye, old friend. I will always remember your spin cycle.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Yes. How can we get the halls of this once proud home crawling with even more commoners.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “The cure-all elixir that gives you vim, vigor, and verve? What’s the problem here?” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “That Micah reminds me of a stable boy who worked here once. Some found his live body desireable. Not me, of course, because I am a lady. Ooh yea, touch those toes.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “That is a very underhanded business maneauver. Tip of my cap to you, Sir!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “When I was a girl, I would wile away afternoons in its glorious shade. I was even married under that tree. You know what? Cut it down.” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “I don’t care what you’re into, you deviants!” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “Oohhh, if I wanted to look uuup stable boys… is that in there?” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “You are becoming the party guest who overindulges in cocaine and traps one in the corner, going on and on about Gilbert and Sullivan.” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “In my day, the occult was all the rage. Why not conduct a seance? What’s more Halloween than that?” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “How did that floozy get to heaven and not me? She’s the adulterer, she brought shame on my home… …You mean for me to push her down the stairs? That is not bad, Samantha. She would heal instantly, but it would be fun to watch her tumble… …” Forgiveness? Closure? I’m sorry, the words are ridiculous enough, but coming from someone in that wig, I simply cannot!” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “But all your jewelry is so cheap. Why even bother?” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “You can make any situation about you. Meanwhile, I am stuck down here with someone whose company I do not enjoy… …I like to fantasize that is was agonizing, full of misery and pain. His hungry lungs crying out for air that would not come. Or…perhaps it was lovely.” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “Ha! I didn’t love him! I married him because my father had to close a land deal. I quite disliked him.” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “I am rooting for you, Samantha, but, on the other hand, it would be nice to spend eternity together. Sort of a win-win situation.” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “Take me with you! I’ve changed! Let me ride you while you get sucked off! Don’t leave me here with these peasants! Take me with you!” (Season 2, Episode 5)
  • “Well, Trevor, that’s just how the world works. You’re new money and you always will be. In the meantime, it is I who gets the shaft. And let me tell you, it feels so good.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “What if, instead of bidding against each other and driving up the price, we form a coalition? Utilize the power of collective bargaining?… … I did not use the U-word. I am simply suggesting if we band together and agree not to buy any TV time, it becomes valueless. And Trevor will have nothing.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “No, Trevor. Not if we stick together. Because together…the power belongs to the people. Oh I hate myself. I really hated saying that.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “It seems like money wasn’t just about money, then. It was about friends. About having someone to share it with. But now, your pursuit of wealth has left you all alone. Take it from someone who actually was rich. It’s lonely at the top. The question you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it?” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “Now, is that all? Because Paula and I have a million things to do if we’re gonna make our day… … Producers coming through! Clear the way!” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “And that is why you are you and she produced World’s Hottest Dentists.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “While I have poured my heart and soul into this production, my allegiance is with Peter. And I know how we can shut this thing down. Thor, we’ll need your ghost power. We’re going to focus on your destructive capacity on the most important part of any production. Oh sorry, I thought you were purposely making a joke. No I am talking about the camera.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Because I told him so… producing!” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Event? What event? Nothing was run by me as lady of the house.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Well, I don’t like that the event promotes alcohol use…But I do like your description of it as high-end. Sounds snooty. Well done.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “As the wife of a robber baron, if I might just add, sometimes one must skirt the law to advances one’s own business.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Samantha, fire up that podcast machine. We got two new suspects.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Probably needs to check if his man parts are still there.” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “Yesterday, Jay showed me a video that rocked me to my core. When I asked Samantha to replay the short lumberjack film for me, she refused, saying that she needed her phone for personal affairs.” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “Well I’ve successfully removed myself from the unrelenting grip of the Tik Toks. It mustered all my self-control, but I did it.” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “I blame Child Labor Laws. How are people supposed to get experience when they’re wasting their youth in schools?” (Season 2, Episode 11)
  • “I will mean a return to slightly more work for the two of you, but you’ll be able to speak freely to us once again, which is a trade-off I, for one, am willing to make.” (Season 2, Episode 11)
  • “It’s time we finally discuss our little Christmas dalliance. It can never happen again. And it is imperative that not another soul ever find out. I mean it would be… just humiliating.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “My friend, that lie would be much easier to sell… with some pants on.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “Don’t compliment the help. In order to perform at their best, they must be kept hungry and afraid.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “Samantha, when it comes to handling household staff, I know of what I speak. So you must trust me when I tell you that nothing good can come from getting enmeshed in this young man’s personal affairs.” (Season 2, Episide 12)
  • “There! You’re forbidden!” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “That is it! You’re inheritance is going to your cousin!” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “I really don’t know! It’s so hard to discipline from beyond the grave.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “Samantha, you made a mistake by treating Freddie with basic human decency. But you needn’t compound it by continuing to do so… .., It doesn’t matter if his girlfriend dumped him or his right arm was torn off in a iron foundry, you need to tell him to stop whining and put that stump to work.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “I could be hard on a man when they needed it.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “I was not the best mother. I delegated the care of raising of my children to others. And I missed out on being a part of their lives. And then, after my death, I had to watch my chidlren become adults in this house. Unable to help them. To give advice, to guide them… … I have watched generations of Woodstones make mistakes in this house. But then, after 100 years, a miracle happened. You fell down those stairs, and I was given a second chance. To be heard.” (Season 2, Episode 12)
  • “What a strange toy for a toddler! I mean, what’s wrong with a simple stuffed raven, or a good old-fashioned lead rattle? Am I right? Parents these days.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Just go speak with him! Yes, you’ll look foolish but that’s nothing new. Bite the bullet.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Two follow-up questions? The foreman at the factory would have given him a swift crack on the jaw.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Oh Peter, don’t beat yourself up. There’ll be plenty of time to ruminate on your cowardice later.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “And so one more of us is going to die so that Jay feels heard.” (Season 2, Episode 13)