Pete

Pete is a loveable and gentle storyteller who just wants everyone to get along. To help reduce the boredom of eternity, Pete is a self-appointed activities director and sets up clubs and lectures for the ghosts.

Played by: Richie Moriarty
Family members: Carol (his wife), Laura (his daughter), Pete (his grandson)
Abilities: Maintaining House Harmony, Knowledgeable in outdoor activities (archery, knot tying), Basketball and Pop Culture Knowledge, Expert in Dungeons and Dragons
Ghostly Ability:
Occupation in life: Scoutmaster, Travel Agent
Cause of death: Arrow through the neck (shot from a young female member of his Pinecone Troop.)

Personality

Pete is a very friendly, outgoing, and compassionate man. It’s rare to catch Pete without a smile on his face alluding to his can-do attitude. And even when things do not go as planned, he is resilient and always tries to look on the upside of any situation. For example, he constantly points out the way he died as being unpleasant, but he still doesn’t allow it to damper his spirits.

Sometimes his kindness gets misconstrued for being a pushover or a people pleaser, as Pete often compromises to the point of his own exclusion. Although the ghosts do take him for granted, he reasons that he is modeling for them because he believes they have good in them, even if they haven’t changed their ways in almost 40 years.

Pete is a sports fan, his favorite being basketball. During the course of the season thus far, he has also made references to following baseball and tennis. He has begun a routine of watching basketball games and talking basketball strategy and history with Jay, being particularly knowledgeable about 1980s basketball. In “GhostwriterPete becomes jealous when Jay invites the contractor Mark to watch the Syracuse ball game with him while Pete was watching as well. He believes that since Jay has found a living human to watch the games with, he will no longer want to watch with Pete since he is not able to see Pete. However, Flower, who played basketball as a kid and young woman and who is very knowledgeable about the game, offers to watch the game with him instead. He refuses stating that it is something he only wishes to do with Jay. He is dismissive of Flower each time she offers which frustrates her. She confronts him later in the episode, telling him that he was disrespectful to assume that Flower may not have been good company with which to watch the game. She then proceeds to school him about the history of basketball in addition to players from the 1940s and 50s of whom Pete was unfamiliar. Pete learns to be more mindful of the words he says and how he treats his friends when he is frustrated or upset.

Pete is also a very loyal and patient man. He was married for 16 years before being “felled by a little girl’s arrow.” He is the kind of man to stand up for his friends and to make sacrifices for the happiness of others. We can assume that Pete was the model scout leader, taking the oath of the Pinecone Scout very seriously and carrying around his trooper handbook wherever he went. He highlighted such traits as friendship and forgiveness and strives to live his afterlife accordingly. However, his ability to forgive was tested in “Pete’s Wife” when he learns that his wife was unfaithful with his best friend while he was still alive. He becomes understandably angry and hurt and is unable to believe anything that his wife says during the small memorial that she and his former best friend, now her current husband, have for them on the property grounds. The ghosts, Jay, and Sam also attend. To help Pete deal with his anger, Sam reads a passage from his old trooper handbook, emphasizing how important it is to forgive. By the end of the episode, although still angry and hurt, Pete is able to forgive his wife Carol which helps him move on. He also sees his daughter Laura for the first time in 37 years and “meets” his grandson, Pete.

Pete had a pretty severe shellfish allergy in life and had to constantly carry an epi pen with him in case of accidental exposure or consumption.

In “Attic GirlPete tries to convince Stephanie, the teenage ghost, to invite Sam to the prom by telling her about Sam’s own experience with her prom. He believes that in confiding this information to Stephanie, he will change her mind and decide to invite Sam to prom. However, Stephanie uses this information to further humiliate Sam by having Alberta order baguettes to be delivered to the house, further hurting Sam. Pete is disappointed that Stephanie was mean to Sam as he had told her that story in hopes of making Sam feel better.

Pete is quite nervous in asking Alberta to the ghost prom in “Attic Girl,” suggesting he still has feelings for her. They end up going together and share their first dance.

Pete has grown quite fond of Jay after discovering their shared love of basketball and Dungeons & Dragons, and considers him to be a close friend. He does not like Mark very much.

Pete is a self-described adventurer who loves nature and the outdoors. Despite his cause of death, Pete had extensive knowledge about camping and other outdoor related skills, such as archery. Pete also was well versed and trained in first aid and could act quickly and accurately in emergency situations. Ironically, he is a rather cautious individual who prefers to refer to a handbook or a manual before attempting anything new. His love of adventure is what attracted him to Dungeons & Dragons in life and helps explain to Sam, who doesn’t understand why Jay is as attached to the game as he is, how players can develop a deep attachment to their character. He plays D&D with Jay with the translation assistance of Sam and we can assume that because Alberta and Sasappis are playing too, that Pete may have taught them as well.

While Pete still harbors strong feelings for Alberta, he is still hesitant to tell her how he feels. Furthermore, he attempts to cover up any indication of those feelings around the other ghosts and the livings. It is clear that he may fear that his feelings may be unrequited as Alberta has yet to admit that she might have romantic feelings for him.

In life, Pete was in a barbershop quartet and recognizes Alberta’s comment about Clara’s inability to hit a high C as a “burn.” This admission of him being a singer makes this one of the more recognizable things that Alberta and Pete have in common.

It could be said of Pete that he enjoys a good joke, moreover a good “dad joke” and often laughs at anything that uses a clever pun or a play on words.

As the series progresses, Pete’s personality is becoming a bit more complex. In “Sam’s Mom”, Pete lies about having a girlfriend in an effort to thrawt attention from his real crush on Alberta. He then proceeds to adopt a fake girlfriend in Nancy to prove his lie to be true, even deceiving Alberta that Pete and Nancy are in fact in real couple. In “Jay’s Friends”, his roommate, Sasappis, asks him to tone the everpresent cheeriness down and Pete does more than comply. He does a complete 180 and presents a more dreary, constantly brooding persona. While it is not clear that Pete does this to oblige with Sasappis request due to his tendency to be loyal, or to teach him a lesson about attitude, or if this is just a part of Pete he has yet to put on display, it is clear that there is much more to him than what meets the eye.

History

In life, Peter Martino, a child of divorce, was a devoted husband and father, licensed travel agent and scout leader of a girl’s troop. He enjoyed adventures and spending time with his family and friends. At the time of his untimely demise, had been married to his wife, Carol, for 16 years, and had one child, a daughter named Laura. He was deeply knowledgeable about the outdoors and loved nature and camping. He possessed various skills such as archery and knot tying and knew a lot about movies and tv shows, especially those that were popular during the 80s. He loved sports and followed at least three of them- basketball, baseball, and tennis. He also was a bit of a nerd who enjoyed Star Trek and playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Pete also enjoyed bowling because “you never break a sweat, you do it with friends and you get to high-five all of your opponents all the time!” He also sustained a neck injury while bowling stating that he slipped, fell and hit his throat on a bowling ball.

Pete’s nickname in high school was “Injured ThroatPete and stated that while the nickname might have been given to him as a form of bullying, he actually enjoyed the nickname stating he was “all in.”

On that fateful afternoon in 1985, Pete had planned to teach his troop all about archery. He was about to review important safety rules pertaining to using a bow and arrow when one of the troop members shot him directly in the neck. Since his death, his ghost has been trapped on the grounds of the Woodstone Mansion and thus has been unable to see or watch over his family and has no idea what have been up to for the past 37 years. He is one of the two ghosts, so far, whose family is still alive. While Pete was very knowledgeable about overall outdoor safety and first aid, he recalls that he put himself in the line of danger that fateful day because his mind was still flustered by a fight he had had with his wife, Carol, earlier that day regarding her eating the rest of his donut holes.

Pete has been a long time basketball fan and commented that three years before his death, there was a man named Michael Jordan who played for the University of North Carolina and won the NCAA championship. However, he was adamant that Jordan probably did not go on to do much else, stating that he probably ended up in finance.

Pete was on his junior high basketball team and was pretty good until he sustained a neck injury in the first game when he was hit with the ball directly at his throat. He also was hit in the neck with a basketball during a Harlem Globetrotters game.

After Sass blurts out that Pete has a crush on Alberta in front of the other ghosts in “Sam’s Mom” and seeing that Alberta may not feel the same way, Pete panics and claims that he has a girlfriend who lives in the basement with the other Cholera ghosts. After the ghosts say that they want to meet her, he goes downstairs to ask for a volunteer to be his fake girlfriend; only one ghost agrees, Nancy. Nancy is a loud-mouthed, very charismatic and opinionated ghost who immediately takes to the role of Pete’s fake girlfriend. She is so enamored with the idea of being out of the basement that she decides to stay upstairs for a while, putting Pete in a bind as he has to now spend more time with her, something he was not planning on doing. In “Jay’s SisterNancy gets upset with Pete for willingly giving up “their” room for Bela when she comes to visit. She calls Pete a push over, pointing out his constant willingness to bend over backwards to please the other ghosts while no one ever returns the favor. He never gets to pick the movie on Movie Night and is always the caboose in the massage train.

In their final confrontation, Pete explains that he gives in so readily so as to be a model for the rest of the ghosts on how to be a team player and to be less selfish. He then tells her off and impressed with his new-found courage, Nancy breaks off the fake relationship and goes back to the basement. The confident Pete then tells the rest of the ghosts that he is taking the moldy room and he doesn’t want to hear no one say anything about it.

It quickly becomes apparent that behind their polites “Midwesterners” (as said by Pete who spent 18 years in the travel agency) façades, they are critical of everything they encounter.

In the season two premiere, “SpiesPete warns Sam and Jay to be careful with their first guests Debby and Tom. From he’s 18 years of experience in the travel agency and according to he’s feelings, he thinks that behind their polite “Midwesterners” façades the guests might pretend everything is fine and then criticize them and give them a bad review after. It won’t be long before we realize that Pete‘s first impression was true.

In “Alberta’s Podcast,Pete along with Sasappis, Trevor, and Sam are listening to a true crime podcast about the mysterious disappearance of a woman named Hailey. After Alberta and Issac enter the room, and Sam explains to Issac what a podcast is, Pete suggests that Sam start a podcast in an effort to solve Alberta’s murder. When Alberta reacts positively to Pete’s suggestion, he responds that he is always thinking of her. Embarrassed, he immediately follows up with the fact that he has other interests as well, indicating that Pete’s feelings for Alberta are still present and may in fact be growing stronger. Pete is accompanies Sam when she goes to check on Alberta and is encouraging and supportive when Alberta displays her more vulnerable side for the very first time.

Following the opening of the B&B, Pete and Sasappis have continued to room together. Each morning, Pete provides Sasappis with a cheerful wake-up call, and in “Jay’s Friends” it’s no different. He wishes him a happy 3 month anniversary, remarking that this is another beuatiful morning in eternity. Sasappis is visibly annoyed by this and encourages Pete to put his overwhelming positivity to the side. Pete is disappointed by his request, but sees this as an exciting challenge.

Later, when Sasappis checks in with Pete, he finds him brooding by a window. Pete greets him ominously and remarks that he has adopted a sullen outlook on life as requested. When Sasappis responds that he doesn’t know what to say, Pete suggests that he must miss classic Pete and wants him to come back. However, Sasappis pleased to see this new side of Pete and thanks him for adhering to his reequest, frustrating Pete that his initial plan did not work.

Pete’s negative energy is felt throughout the house. Faced with a possibly legal battle ahead of them, Sam begs Pete for some of his positivity and can-do attitude. He refuses to help, stating that he has changed, that he is “dark” now. Looking brielfy at Sasappis, he goes on to explain that life is meaningless and full of suffering. When Sam decides that she will try to reason with the cult members so as to avoid a legal fight, Pete scoffs at the idea, sarcastically agreeing that cult members are definitely known for their ability to reason.

Pete’s sour outlook comes to a head when Sasappis finds Pete yet again staring out of another window. Pete remarks that he is looking at a “stupid sunset” and that he is definately not enjoying what so ever. Sasappis admits that he was wrong to ask Pete to change his personality. He states that all the talk about eternity as of late got him thinking that perhaps being around for 500 years has gotten to him. When he asks how Pete always stays so positive all the time, Pete acknwoleges that he hasn’t been in limbo for as long as Sasappis, and that he tries very hard to stay positive. He highlights the sunset and that while it might be repetitive, there’s always one every once in a while that is amazing.

In life, Pete owned his own business, presumably the travel agency he worked for and thus has a deep understanding of the struggles that Jay and Sam are experiencing in the first year of their new bed and breakfast business.

Some information, mainly the ones that are relating to basketball, are from ‘March Madness w/Flower & Pete‘ and haven’t been shared in the series itself.

Appearance

Pete is a tall, slender, handsome man with a clean shaven face. He wears his brown hair short with it parted and brushed to the right of his face. His dark brown eyes are framed by gold trimmed aviator glasses. He wears a scout leader uniform consisting of a tan button up shirt complete with several patches on the front of the shirt and on both sleeves, and khaki green shorts. His uniform is accented with a blue neck scarf with yellow trim and red knee high socks layered with khaki green crew socks. He finishes his look with tan hiking boots. He is cursed to carry the arrow that ended his life through his neck which only bothers him if someone hits or plucks it. Pete stands about 5’11. Pete on at least one occasion during his lifetime grew a mustache but his wife threw him out of the house until he shaved it off. Pete’s right arm is bigger than his left.

Trivia

  • Pete is based on the BBC version’s Pat. Out of all the adapted ghosts from the original series, Pete and Pat are the most alike, both being scout leaders from the 80s who’s wives both named Carol carried on an affair with their best friend. They both also recently find out they are grandfathers to a little boy and both only had one child. They both have similar personalities and both act as the “MC” of the various clubs and conversations the ghosts have. And both were shot in the neck with an arrow- Pete by a girl and Pat by a boy.
  • In the Pilot, Pete’s uniform has a patch that says Nature Troopers, but in the rest of the episodes it says Pinecone Troopers.
  • Richie Moriarty and Chris Sandiford (who played Kenny in ‘The Vault‘), both also appeared in What We Do In the Shadows. Richie played Doug Pederson, a member of the city council who is manipulated by Nandor to overturn the president of the council, and Chris played Derek, a vampire hunter turned vampire.
  • Pete is the second most recently deceased ghost and along with Hetty is one of the only ghosts of whom we’ve met his immediate family.
  • Pete is also the only known ghost who was a father in real life.
  • Richie Moriarty also played a basement ghost in ‘Pilot‘ and ‘Hello(screen capture 1, screen capture 2)

Quotes

  • “There’s definitely worse ways to go!” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Alright people, people! There’s enough spirit repellent for all of us.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Boy! She is really can do!” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “I just hope someone interesting moves in, you know. Like a ball player or an astronaut. Who’s life are you hoping to watch next?” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Ooh I hate getting walked through! It’s probably the worst pain I can think of. No wait, arrow through the neck. That beats it.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “You guys would actually love it. There’s this amazing scene where the main girl was making pottery. And then this hunky shirtless guy comes in…” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “‘Good luck everybody! And have fun!” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Carol and I argued the last time we spoke. It’s funny it felt like such a big deal at the time and now I can’t even tell you what it was that we were arguing about. You never think when you close that door behind you that that will be the last time you walk through that door. But then I had my accident and I realized I’m never gonna see my wife again. Never gonna get to speak to her, hold her, tell her how much I love her. Oh wait! I remember what we were fighting about! She ate all the donut holes. And she doesn’t even like donut holes! It was just to spite me which was just like her. Selfish so and so! The point is, life is precious.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Thank you, Alberta. I don’t know how many times we’ve heard that song, but it gets better every time!” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Yup, she can still see us! Also, she’s apparently a little cranky before she’s had her morning coffee.” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “You know, we don’t have to talk her into leaving or destroy anyone. We could just befriend her and ask her not to open the hotel.” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. My doc was pretty worried about my blood pressure. Luckily, didn’t turn out to be a problem.” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “Hi there! Hello? Alright, I know you’re actively ignoring us but that’s okay. I was married for 16 years so I get it! Oh you looked at me! She looked at me!” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “Sam, quick favor! Could you look up all the Met scores for me for the last 37 years?” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “I would’ve called it a ‘floreo.’ That’s just my improv training kicking in. Floreo. I wish I possessed the ability to write that down.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Or the award winning travel agent, or the great dad but sure, arrow guy, let’s go with that.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Oh I wasn’t thinking it would be anything like that! I thought it’d be small and quaint like the inn on Newhart. Is that what you were thinking, Sam?… Really? Delightful sitcom about a stammering innkeeper? Nothing? It was really popular in the 80s… Well I’m not alive now but I still love Newhart.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “Trevor, I did not understand that story, or the points you were making but I am so sorry.”(Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “This is not the kind of thing that would ever happen on Newhart. It was gentle humor, never at anyone’s expense. Never mean, unlike some people.” (Season 1, Episode 4)
  • “I never saw it. It came out the year before I died. But you know how it is, between work and family and shot in the neck with an arrow.” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • ‘What the h-e-double hockey sticks is this movie?… Poor Slimer’s just trying to live his afterlife eating leftover room service that no one even wants and they vacuum him up into this tiny little box?” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “We can’t just frame them! This goes against everything I stand for!” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “And just like everything else, when it comes to nature and safety, or even plain old life lessons, it’s all in this book, which brings us to today’s lesson: Archery! Now I’m sure we all just wanna go flinging arrows at the targets, but first we need to go over some basic safety rules, okay? Rule number one, and I cannot emphasize this enough, never notch an arrow when someone is down…Is it? It is in my neck?” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “Carol Martino. Now, it’s been a while so you may need to hire a P.I., track down some leads. You’re gonna want to go to every JCPenney, IHOP, anywhere that sells beads.” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “Oh my God… CAROL IF YOU ARE LISTENING, PLEASE VISIT WOODSTONE MANSION, LOVE PETE!” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “I was never without this book. Carol knows how important this was to me. She’ll come get it if you tell her you found it. Please. Carol’s almost 70, I don’t know if I’m gonna get a chance to see her again.” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “Hey Carol, it’s me! Your PeteyPie, the RePeter!” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “How do I look, is my arrow straight?” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “If you’re asking about Carol and Jerry, I was a little thrown but I’m glad they ended up together. They were probably both so upset about losing me, makes a lot of sense.” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “I did not know!” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “Flower! If you weren’t already dead, I would kill you!” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “I guess ‘you can kiss the bride’ was directed at everybody!” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “I forgive you, Carol.” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “I’m a grandpa” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “You know what my dating strategy is? I like to get myself into something I call ‘the friend zone.’ Now 9 out of 10 times, you end up completely desexualized as if you’re a puppy or their brother but at the end of the day, you got a new friend so win/win, right?” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “Hello friend zone! I’m in!” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “Dungeons and Dragons isn’t about relaxation. It’s about adventure!” (Season 1, Episode 8)
  • “I just wanted to say as a long time adventurer myself, the bond between D&D and character can be very real. I know I shed a few tears when I lost Gildenmonksfear to the Demogorgon.” (Season 1, Episode 8)
  • “And I thought the mind flayer would be the greatest monster I’d encounter this week. Or the gelatinous cube, that one was tough too.” (Season 1, Episode 8)
  • “Okay, well, then I unsheath my moonblade and whisper the phrase ‘swift defeat to my enemies’ thus marking him a sworn enemy and giving myself an extra 3d6 damage.” (Season 1, Episode 8)
  • “One time, a sweet little girl saw my arrow and called me a monster. But it’s okay. What am I gonna do? Cry myself to sleep… for weeks?” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • Well you’re excited about being murdered then I am excited for you!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “You guys are gonna be great! The main thing is you wanna get in good with the travel agents. Little secret… we basically run the whole hospitality game!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Ah see this right here. This is what it’s all about, these little moments. These are the things we’re all gonna remember.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Knock, knock! Can I ask your advice on something before you go? So, you can probably tell I have a crush on Alberta, right? I think I wanna say something to her… Okay so we’re looping Jay in on this one…Well I’m a loyal guy and my wife is very much alive but then you asked her to come visit the house and I found out she was a dirty, lying cheater so long story short, I’m ready to move on.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Oh you don’t think I’m a bad boy? I ripped the tag off a mattress once. That’s a felony, baby!” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • Guys, guys come on! Before Jay and Sam, we used to entertain ourselves, remember? Food club, movie club. We’d talk for hours. Who wants to hear me describe meatballs? Fun fact, that’s actually a food and a movie. The movie stars Bill Murray as a fun-loving, wise-cracking counselor at a summer camp, and the food, well you guys know what the food is, it’s self-explanatory. But we got the time, so I’ll explain it!” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Hey everyone! This won’t take up too much of your time… hi. Um, I’m in kind of a bind and I need a volunteer to be my fake girlfriend? Oh I made up this little white lie about how I have a girlfriend and now I need to prove to everyone that that’s true.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “I love de-liming.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “You do deserve better. You deserve the best.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Hey, hey guys! I can’t stand to watch you fight. I will take the room. A little mold never hurt anybody. It’ll be like camping.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Shoulders are not specific to men.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Listen up, ghosts! I have spent the last 40 years bending over backwards to compromise for the sake of house harmony. But I’m here to tell you I’m done. I’ve had it up to my arrow with all of your applesauce. It’s time for Pete to finally get what he wants! Also, I will no longer be the caboose on the massage train. I lead it now. I’m the engine.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “They’re hurting each other’s feelings. I have to put a stop to this.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “You wanna know why I compromise, Nancy? I’m modeling for these people. Yes, it’s been 40 years and yes they’re not exactly picking up what I’m laying down but I believe in them. They have good in them. And eventually, they’re gonna get there. And until that time, I’m gonna keep setting an example.” (Season 1, Episode 12)
  • “That is enough! I cannot take one more minute of your bullying. You want me to stand up for myself and have a spine? Well here we go! It is over between us; I am done listening to you!” (Season 1, Episode 12)
  • “Mark’s having fun!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “No way! That’s not a foul. That’s just good defending.” (Season 1 Episode 14)
  • “Good hustle on the backboards? What does that even mean?” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Who does he think he is? Pistol Pete Maravich?” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “That sounds nice, but Jay and I have a whole shorthand, you know. It’s kinda our thing. We don’t just talk basketball with anyone.” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Jay brought a friend into what used to be our special thing. Guess what, Jay? I got friends too!” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Wow. I’m sorry, Flower. I guess I got so caught up in being frustrated with Jay for ditching me that I didn’t realize I was ditching you.” (season 1, episode 14)
  • “I dunno. This whole breakfast reminds me of when my parents took me to Toys R Us right before they told me they were getting a divorce.” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “And you will have nothing short of a 5 star experience in Casa Pete. I’ll even let you choose where you’d like to sleep, the bed or the floor!” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “Man! Picking something to watch is much more difficult than it was in the 80s. Too many choices.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “My strong suits? Well, I’m can-do, selfless. I tend to put other people’s desires and needs before my own. Oh and I have excellent hand-eye coordination. Great! Perfect for what?” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Look, truth be told uh now that I’m fully up to speed on what you guys say I have won, I’m not really sure that I want the position. Not what I’m saying! I’m talking about the general position of being the third. Maybe I could watch…nope hate that! Uh, thank you, though and good luck. I’ll be cheering you guys on… from afar, not from the same ro-you understand. Is it possible that I could leave? Thank you.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Ok, I don’t want to be that guy, but I think that’s smooth enough… it’s actually starting to get a bit concave.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Okay, you really need to move on… no, no, from that spot on the wall. Pretty soon, we’re gonna be exposing some wiring. I’m gonna show myself out.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “So yeah, you can see how this whole banning Sam from ghost prom might bring up a lot of issues for her… and sadly, I believe it was stale (referring to the baguettes),” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “What the H-E-C-K, Stephanie! I told you all that stuff about the French guy, so you could help Sam. I trusted you! Sam told me this very sad tale about her own prom and how she thought she was going with this hunky, French guy but it turned out some mean girl was just tricking her… yes that is the appropriate reaction (responding to the awws). You know what’s not appropriate? Weaponized Sam’s pain the way Chainsaw Madonna here did.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “I only told Stephanie what happened to you because I was trying to get you invited to the prom.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “You guys, I’m sure that the mean girl got her older brother on the phone or something to do a French accent… trying to defend you, Sam. Not making it easy!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “The Farnsby&B… that’s a clever name. But awful of them to do. But pretty darn clever.” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “I’d also like to say something. Sam, you can be a part of my troop anyday. Also please tell Jay I love him and that Mark sucks and he shouldn’t be friends with him anymore.”
  • “I’m not so sure, Sam. Let me tell you something about your polite Midwesterners there. They can be very tricky, and this is 18 years in the travel industry game talking… ….But did they? They left them barely touched right there. This type of customer… they’re all smiles but you never know what they’re really thinking” (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Debbie is really chafed about that toilet paper… literally! (laughs) (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Yelp reviews might not be anonymous. But you know what is? Conversations with your trusted travel agent… unless you tell me you murdered someone, or stole a robe.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “Sam, you should do a podcast about Alberta’s murder…Always thinking of you. I mean, not always. I have other interests, too. Not that you’re an interest. Would someone else please talk?” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Raiders of the Lost Ark! Would you just die already so we can be best friends?” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “A real underdog story! I love underdogs! Not that I’m saying I love you. W-would someone else talk, please?” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Oh! From my barbershop quartet days, I recognize that as quite the burn!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “I mean, jazz legend who has insecurities just like me? I’m on board!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Morning roomie! Another beautiful day in eternity! Happy three month roommate anniversary!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Oh yeah that’s because months and quarters don’t always line up exactly (laughs). Isn’t the calendar so fun!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Okay so you want me to be less cheery, like all the time? Okay, well that sounds like a super fun challenge!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Welcome to another day in hell, bitch! From now on, I’m a mean, old sourpuss, just like you wanted. No more smiles, no more compliments. No more scalp massages while you sleep to stimulate your dreams.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “For the rest of eternity, you’re rooming with a joyless, sulking void.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Son of a B-word.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “No can do, Sam. I’ve changed. I’m dark now. Because life is meaningless and full of suffering.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Oh sure. ‘Cause cults are famously reasonable.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Nothing, uh, just looking at a stupid sunset, certainly not getting any enjoyment out of it.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “First of all, I haven’t been around as long as you have. I dunno, I try to stay positive, you know? Sure, sunsets get a little… repetitive. But every once in a while, one knocks your socks off and that’s what keeps you looking.” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Hamilton wrote 51 Federlist papers and saved the Constitution, just to further prove your point.” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “Look, I am more than happy to help a friend, but Nigel will find out eventually… …Well, then there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Okay, not plenty, but there is that one other guy. And I don’t know what Thor means when he talks about “boat rules,” but that sounds…” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “AKA slo-Momoa (chuckles). Not my best work, but I had to get it out of my head.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “Okay, maybe we don’t watch TV at all. Like the good, old days, you know? Trivia, charades, sharing secrets… (whispers) I don’t like mustard.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “$10,000? That’s more than I paid for my Skylark.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Um, Flower, look. I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. I mean this is an opportunity to really help Sam and Jay here. As a small business owner in life myself, I can attest tot he fact that these early days can be some of hte most stressful. Heck, I’ve arguably got the dumbest death of them all. But I’d still be proud to be able to lend a hand. I mean think of all Sam does for us.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Yeah, I was rattled at first, but I was right in what I told Flower. I mean, this is my chance to really help Jay and Sam… … A good-hearted man. Kind to his family and troops… … “Hey, we went to Epcot, buddy. That’s the whole world all at once!” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “It’s a gosh darn hatchet job! Sorry about the locker room talk, but I am steamed!… … Look I may not haven had the perfect marriage. And at work, I was a good travel agent, but I was no Greg Flannagan. Famous travel agent?… …the point is, the one thing I could hang my hat on was that I was a great Scout troop leader. Those kids loved me, and I was there for them. That’s what makes this so hurtful.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Aw, she’s a good kid. Oh Sam, offer her a ring-pop. Cherry’s her favorite flavor.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • (Flashback) “Is, uh- Sweetie, did-did you eat the rest of the donut holes?… …No, Carol, I was looking forward to having some before I left. You don’t even like donut holes… …That doesn’t make any sense. The donut holes are punched out of the donut… …Okay, even if that were true, there all donut material!… (Present day)…I was so distracted, I must have handed out the arrows before doing the safety speech… …Why not? She’s right. I failed those girls. I was a terrible Pinecone Troop leader.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Thanks for highlighting my impotence.” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “This is all information that would’ve been really useful before you handed out the deadly weapons, you idiot!” (Season 2, Episode 7)
  • “Do not remove the arrow. Stay calm. Is anyone going to do anything? Bandages. Tape. Uh, we need to support the arrow ad secure it. Then we’re gonna make a tourniquet.” (Season 2, Episode 7)