Alberta

Alberta is a flamboyant Prohibition-era jazz singer from the 1920s who’s seen a thing-or-two after hanging out with bootleggers.

Played by: Danielle Pinnock
Family members: Unnamed Father, Mother of Jamaican heritage, Theresa, “Ti”, “Reese” (her younger sister), Alicia (her great-grandniece), Al (her uncle)
Abilities: Encouragement of other ghosts, Persuasiveness, The ability to tell if someone is lying
Ghostly Ability: Projecting her humming voice to be heard by the living.
Occupation in life: Jazz singer
Cause of death: Poisoned moonshine courtesy of Thomas Woodstone, son of Hetty Woodstone.

Personality

Alberta is an outgoing person who considers herself a diva and is not afraid to speak her mind. She is bold in every sense of the word and as a singer/performer, she knows how to command attention. She believes in equal rights for women as evidenced by her convincing Hetty to not only speak up for herself, but to vote for Alberta when she decided to run against Isaac for the house’s ghost representative. Alberta is quite clever and witty and because she is naturally inquisitive, she uses these traits to help her to figure things out. In “Halloween”, when Hetty, Issac, Sass, and Thorfinn falsely blamed kids for setting the gazebo on fire, Alberta used her intuition to deduce the truth from Thorfinn. She states that she is so good at figuring out when someone is lying because she spent so much time with bootleggers and mob bosses. When Sam wanted to understand why Flower was initially against her using her bank robbery story as her article for a local magazine, Alberta joined forces with Issac to talk to Flower to learn why was so hesitant to allow Sam to write the article. She especially loves hearing gossip…the juicier the better.

But Alberta has a heart of gold and strives to always help her friends. In “Flower’s Article”, she does her best to help Flower feel better by confiding in her that she never became who she wanted to become during her lifetime. She tells Flower that she is not a fraud and is in fact a role model of sorts for the other ghosts to emulate. In “Possession” while watching Sam desperately try to retain the wedding planner’s interest and patience, of which he is quickly losing, Alberta convinces Flower to walk through him so as to make him feel “high”. This buys Sam enough time to figure out how to get Hetty’s spirit out of Jay and for him to prepare a sample dish for the wedding reception. The dish wins the wedding planner over and the two get hired to host their first major event at the house.

As a Black woman living during the height of Jim Crowe America, and who was born mere decades after the end of slavery, she knew and expereinced racism and discrimination quite often. Seeing her father work hard all his life and not be able to achieve his dream because of the way he looked inspired Alberta to work hard to achieve hers. Earlier in her afterlife, she believes she failed him in some way because she never became a star during her lifetime. She mentions that if she had become a star then her father’s struggle would’ve meant something. Alberta is a woman who recognizes and takes advantage of opportunities when presented to her. In life, she was a motivated woman who, despite living in the age of Jim Crow and being subjected to racism and discrimination, used every opportunity to advance her career to become a famous jazz singer. Alberta represents every Black American entertainer at that time who were denied basic civil rights and who encountered racism and discrimination whever they went, even though they were lauded for how well they could sing or dance.

Albeit outgoing and fabulous, Alberta struggled with self-esteem during her lifetime. Her love life and relationships reflected this as she only became involved with cheaters and liars. She reasons that she made these choices because she didn’t believe she deserved better. In “Sam’s MomPete admits to Sam that he has feelings for Alberta but when Sass accidentally blurted it out in front of the other ghosts, Pete immediately denies it due to Alberta implying she may not feel the same way. After seeing Pete stand up for himself to the ghosts, she comments that she likes the new Pete, that he has “gumption” and perhaps begins to see him in a new light. In “Attic GirlAlberta and Pete share a dance together while at a make-shift prom the ghosts and Sam decide to put on for teenage ghost, Stephanie.

Alberta is a talented Alto and loves to sing for her fellow ghosts whenever the mood strikes. She often name drops whenever telling a story about an experience she had during her life to signify she knew important people. She also enjoys playing Dungeons and Dragons with Jay, Pete, and Sass and enjoys daily walks with Sam, Thorfinn, and Hetty.

In “Attic Girl”, Alberta discovers her ability to communicate with other forms of intelligence, primarily virtual assistant devices like the Amazon Echo (Alexa). Upon hearing of her ability, the other ghosts immediately ask her to request various favors on their behalf which at first, she doesn’t mind doing. However, she becomes overwhelmed by the consistency of their requests, claiming that they are needy and annoying and praises Sam for all that she has to do to help the ghosts daily.

Alberta definitely takes advantage of opportunities when presented to her. In life, she was a motivated woman who, despite living in the age of Jim Crow and being subjected to racism and discrimination, used every opportunity to advance her career to become a famous jazz singer.

As evidenced by her associating with the outlaws of her day, Alberta is not one to shy away from adventure and danger. There’s a high she gets from flirting with trouble and loves to take risks.

Alberta has a comforting soul, almost nurturing to the point where she can easily step in as a momma bear figure for the other ghosts. In “Trevor’s Body,” she supports Trevor’s attempts to try to get his parents back together and even watches his parents have sex to be able to tell him that his plans were successful. After Trevor’s mother talks to him, telling him how much they miss him and that he was the best thing to come out of their marriage, Alberta, sensing how much he wants to comfort his mother, steps in and hugs Trevor to comfort him.

Alberta is a family-oriented woman. Her one major regret is that she did not live long enough to have children and raise a family of her own. She revels at the chance to guide her great-grandniece in a way that she would’ve guided her own children. She is also fiercely protective yet supportive. In “Alberta’s descendant” she is worried about her great-grandniece, Alicia, falling for Todd and does what she can, through Sam, to ensure they never get together. She also initially did not approve of Alicia leaving her secure profession as a lawyer to try to be a singer like her. However, once she heard her sing, she admitted she was wrong and, again through Sam, encouraged Alicia’s transition to another career path.

As shown in “Ghost Father of the BrideAlberta is an observant woman, with a keen eye for detail. She is able to analyze complex problems and find creative solutions, as she enjoys a good mystery.

Alberta has a celebrity crush on Jason Momoa.

History

In life, Alberta Haynes was a prohibition-age jazz singer who was born to Jamaican immigrants in Tulsa, Oklahoma. As a child, she grew up in an apartment above a restaurant where her father worked. Her father was a genius in the kitchen, he never got the opportunity to open his own restaurant because of the rampant racism and Jim Crow laws that plagued everyday life for Black people in the American South. During the Great Migration, Alberta moved to Harlem in the 1920s to pursue her dream of becoming a famous jazz singer, and found work performing at various lounges throughout the city. She recorded one album during her lifetime.

She often associated with undesirables, such as bootleggers and mob bosses, and reasoned that she didn’t think she deserved to be with someone who would treat her with love and respect. Alberta came to Woodstone Mansion on December 31, 1928 to perform for a party hosted by Thomas Woodstone, son of fellow haunter, Hetty Woodstone. She was not allowed to stay at the house because of racism and discrimination. She had to lug her suitcase to the house from the motel but she never made it back, as she was murdered by the host himself during her time there.

For years, it was believed that she had a heart attack, but Alberta believed that she had too much of an amazing life to have died so insignificantly. She has always believed she was murdered.

When super fan and self-proclaimed historian, Todd, comes to stay at the house in “Alberta’s Fan”, she becomes excited at the fact that he knows so much about her. He claims to be the curator of the ‘Alberta Haynes‘ museum in Altoona, PA and that he is working on a book about the jazz singer, which is the reason he claims for his visit. As the day turns into night, Alberta, the other ghosts, Sam, and Jay discover that Todd is merely just obsessed with Alberta as he admits the museum is his mother’s garage, that he bought and keeps one of Alberta’s toenails in a small, plastic jar, and has a tattoo of Alberta’s face on his back. Todd falls ill the next day and is taken to the hospital. The ghosts, Jay, and Sam then watch a news report featuring Todd in which he claims that he had ingested poisoned moonshine containing strychnine from Alberta’s trunk that was upstairs in Trevor’s room. He comes to the conclusion that Alberta was indeed poisoned. This news report went viral eliciting up to 60,000 plus views and re-introducing the world to the music of Alberta Haynes. This renewed interest greatly excites Alberta, believing that her father would be proud that she was able to achieve her dreams.

In the season two premiere, “Spies”, Alberta suggests to Sam that the ghosts spy on their first official guests, Debby and Tom, to find out what they really think of the B&B and to make sure they don’t get a bad review (Debby and Tom usually give pretty bad reviews on Yelp). As the episode progresses and thanks to Alberta‘s proposal, they realize that Debby and Tom keep saying in front of Sam and Jay that everything is fine but in fact they find the slightest detail to criticize when they are not there. After several adventures, the Woodstone B&B ends with a nice maximum score on the review site!

In season 2 episode 2, “Alberta’s Podcast” begins with a flashback to a night in Alberta Haynes’ life wherein she fills in for a missing lead singer of a female jazz group. After initially playing coy when asked by the desperate club manager if she would fill in for the missing Clara, she immediately agrees to help out when another singer, Sally, steps forward. Alberta steps onto the stage with confidence, her aura shining bright. She introduces herself and declares that she will be taking care of the audience on this night. She then proceeds to sing a song about being a millionaire which immediately wins over an integrated audience. Among that audience are two men who are absolutely taken with Alberta’s voice.

In the present day, Alberta walks into the kitchen with Issac to see that Sam, Jay, Sasappis, Trevor, and Pete are listening to a true crime podcast on the Amazon Echo. When Issac asks what a podcast is and after Sam explains what it is, Alberta comments that she is only listening to the radio. Alberta is stoked when Jay suggests that Sam do a podcast to investigate the murder of Alberta Haynes, stating that she actually has access to the victim which would make the podcast all the more interesting. However, her excitement wanes when she learns that Sam was all but forced to ask Todd, Alberta’s creepy, obsessed fan, to cohost as the so-called “Alberta expert.Alberta’s pleas for Sam to reject Todd as a co-host is ignored, as Sam really wants to give the podcast a go and believes she can try to make it work with Todd.

While outside to take some artifacts out of Todd’s car, Jay discovers an antique end table that belonged to Alberta. He also discovers a false bottom which due to his tinkering, reveals Alberta’s diary. Alberta all but panics and through Sam, begs them not to look at the diary, stating that there is something in there that cannot see the light of day. Unfortunately, Todd does not heed her words, stating that this could be super useful for the podcast.

While Todd is reading her diary, Alberta is terrified of what he will uncover. While acknowledging her anxiety and fear about this secret, Sam convinces Alberta that should just tell them what her secret is because Todd is going to find out anyway. Alberta then explains that on the night that she filled in for a missing Clara, that same Clara was not missing by accident but rather had spent the night in jail. She then admits that she had ratted Clara out and that she was the reason that Clara was not there that night to perform. This truth is shameful to Alberta because she was and still is a believer that no one likes a rat and that a rat is the lowest of the low. She eludes to this earlier in the episode when she warns Thorfinn not to rat out Jay for playing a video game when he was supposed to be dealing with the broken washing machine. She explains that while she might have been involved in some shady dealings in her time, she abided by a code not to rat anyone out. This inspired her hit song, “Don’t Be a Rat.” As such, her secret reveals her adherence to a so-called code was hypocritical with her actions. She calls herself a fraud and believes that her fans will be disappointed by this. And although Sam tries to convince her that her fans love her and that they won’t be as bothered by this truth as she is, Todd shows up exclaiming that Alberta was a rat and is very visibly upset and let down by his heroine.

Alberta immediately blames Sam for bringing Todd back into her life which is how the diary was uncovered in the first place.

Later, Alberta is sitting by herself, visibly sad. When Sam, Sasappis, and Pete come to check on her, Alberta states that once everyone hears about her secret on the podcast, everyone will turn against her. Sasappis then asks why she would rat on Clara if she was against it in the first place. Alberta explains that things were not easy for women her size in the entertainment industry when she was alive. Club owners who were in charge of booking talent were not looking for women who did not look a particular way, which included being a certain complexion, height, age, and weight. Alberta states she was tired of being overlooked which leads to another flashback. In it, Alberta is auditioning for the lead singer for a female jazz group. She loses the part to a fairer-skinned, skinny woman with a short, straightened bob. The audience can deduce this is Clara who arrogantly states that Alberta doesn’t have what she has. The club owner for whom she auditions exclaims that Clara is the star, and Alberta reluctantly agrees to sing as her backup, hoping that her talent will at some point win audiences and the powers that be over. She did this for two years to no avail. She finally had enough and knowing that Clara was involved with bootlegging like she was, decided to snitch on Clara’s involvement which led to her arrest and imprisonment and gave Alberta the chance she had been waiting for.

Her friends tell her that she was justified for doing what she did because she was in a very unfair position and that people now would be more empathetic to her situation. When Sasappis asks what she never told them before, Alberta admits that it would’ve made her look more vulnerable and that she wears the armor of confidence and strength because she needs to be her own biggest fan in response to the people in her life and around her in life that have tried to tear her down. Sam tells her that her vulnerability and insecurities make her more relatable to her fans, and as such, her fans will feel closer to her, increasing her popularity even further. At this revelation, Alberta feels proud and excited and gives Sam her blessing to move forward with the podcast so that her story can continue to inspire others.

When Sam and Todd sit down to do the podcast, they agree that Alberta was more than a tremendous talent, but was also a crusader against unfair body standards. Todd states that he is more impressed by her while simultaneously reigniting his desire to clone her. When Todd shows a picture of Clara to Sam, Alberta’s friends comment that they know her and that she was in the mansion the same night Alberta performed. Alberta deduces that now they have their very first suspect as Clara would’ve had motive and opportunity to take her out.

Before Alberta passed, she was seeing a bootlegger named Earl who, on the night of her death, hid away a carton of illegal whiskey inside a wall of the Woodstone Mansion. 96 years later, when Sam and Jay are hosting a whiskey tasting, Alberta informs them of the liquor and suggests they serve that to their guests, which has goes over swimmingly with those in attendance.

As of “The Liquor License” in season two, it is hard to determine how Alberta feels for Pete. While she sees him as a supportive friend and a good, honest man, she does not allow herself to act on any romantic feelings, if they exist. After she encourages Pete to live in the moment and to enjoy life (or the afterlife), he goes in for the kiss. This takes Alberta by surprise and she reacts by blocking his attempt with her palm. She then states that this wouldn’t be a moment of defeat for him but rather a moment that he should feel proud of himself.

In “Alberta’s DescendantAlberta meets her great-grandniece, Alicia who was her younger sister, Theresa’s great granddaughter. She is excited to learn that she does have living relatives and is honored that her descendant wants to learn more about Alberta’s life as a jazz singer. Because she hasn’t spoken to any family in a century, she also is very curious and excited to learn more about her sister’s family, what Alicia does for a living, if she is married, as well as learn more about her other extended family.

After Sam agrees to have Alicia on the podcast, Alberta is disappointed to learn that Sam plans to reach out to Todd, as she, and the other Ghosts as well, do not care for him. She is even more aghast when Alicia and Todd take a liking to one another and beg for Sam to do all she can to keep them from getting together. After eavesdropping on a walk the two took, she discovers that they are planning on having a dinner date later that evening and she implores Sam to ruin it for her. The other Ghosts agree, suggesting that all she has to do is to tell Alicia all the weird things she knows about Todd. When Sam stands firm in her no, Alberta asks her once again to do it for her as she died young and was not able to have children. She wants a chance to help her family.

While watching Alicia and Todd at dinner, and seeing how closer they are getting, Alberta asks for Sam to join them and her and the other Ghosts feed her information that she should mention in front of Alicia in an effort to turn her off from Todd. It works and Alberta is thankful to Sam for her intervention. However, when Alicia annoucnes that she is going to quit her job and go after her dream of becoming a singer, Alberta is frustrated, thinking she’s making a big mistake. She blames Todd for this and states that she is fearful for her niece because show business can be cutthroat and very difficult. She is also doubtful if Alicia can sing and again asks Sam to intervene on her behalf. However, her doubts are quieted upon hearing Alicia sing “Someone to Watch Over Me”, which was the same song Alberta had sang during a live performance. Alberta is filled with joy at hearing Alicia’s beautiful voice, and sings along with her.

Later, during the podcast recording, Alberta listens in as Sam and Jay make the connection between Alberta’s former boyfriend, Earl, and possibly her younger sister, who might also have been known as “T”. She speculates as to whether her own sister might have murdered her.

In “Ghost Father of the BrideAlberta decides to help Isaac uncover who took and hid Crash’s head in the woods. Together, they interrogate most of the Ghosts in the house find out who was where during the time in question. While Isaac plays the “nice cop” Alberta takes joy is being a little more rough with her questioning. Alberta comes to the conclusion that someone must have wanted to get rid of Crash and initally her, along with Isaac pointed to Flower as being the culprit. However, Alberta takes notice of something Isaac says when talking to Flower, something that Crash never mentions. And as she and Isaac are “closing their case” she confront Isaac, stating that while he stated that Crash was watching “The Price was Right,” Crash never actually reveals what he was watching. She tells him the only way that he would’ve known is if he was the one who stole the head and hid it in the woods. When Isaac admits that he did it, Alberta is curious as to why. She then agrees with him that it was fun to have spent the time together and suggests that they should be on a case together again, sometime.

In “WhodunnitAlberta retells the story of her final performance at the Woodstone Mansion before she died. The “murder board” that Jay puts together helps her remember alot of smaller details that she had previously forgotten. On New Years Eve, 1928, she was performing for a party that was hosted by Hetty’s son, Thomas, in his home. She recalls that Earl, her boyfriend, was haggling with him over payment for the alcohol being served at the event. In between sets, she met briefly in her dressing room with Earl before answering a knock at the door. When she opened it, she didn’t see anyone or anything but a small bottle of alcohol which she immediately opened and took a swig.

In present day, she is with the others as Jay and Sam talk through the clues they have been able to gather thus far. When Jay suggests that it could’ve been Theresa, Alberta’s baby sister, to which the others agree at the evidence could point to her, she is fiercely protective of her sibling and argues that it couldn’t have been her. An active participant, Alberta suggests that they stop looking at her sister and start looking into the other suspects on the board, namely Clara, a musical rival who she claims hated her because Alberta once ratted her out. However, once Clara is ruled out, Alberta once again has to come to the defense of her sister as all signs seemingly point back to her.

She and the others come to learn of another possible suspect in Al Capone, a well-known gangster and mob boss who was in attendance that night and who had hit on Alberta another time. The basement Ghosts confirm that it was him who came to the basement looking for rat poison, the very same that was used to murder Alberta. She is excited about this revelation as it means her murder has the potential to be a more highly profiled one- fame-on-fame crime. They theorized that her rejection of him was the straw that broke the camel’s back and that he decided to kill her for revenge. However, her theory is proved incorrect when Nigel informs the group that while Al Capone did have a bottle of rat poison in his possession, he was meant for himself, not Alberta. He adds on that a woman approached Capone and took the poisoned bottle from him. That woman, he adds, was the same woman in the photo to which all the red yarn leads- Alberta’s sister, Theresa.

She is left to sadly conclude that perhaps her sister did have it out for her. This revelation deeply hurts Alberta who believe that regardless of their ability, or inability to get along, they would always have each other’s backs and they had promised to grow old together. As she is mourning this heavy news, Hetty admits that it wasn’t her sister who killed but rather her son Thomas, who had taken possession of the poisoned bottle after Theresa had told him of the Al Capone’s attempted suicide. She learns from Hetty that while Thomas and her did not know each other, Thomas did know her boyfriend, Earl, quite well as they were in a secret relationship. He decided to take the bottle of confiscated booze and poison Alberta with it so that he and Earl could finally be together. More angry that Hetty chose to keep this news to herself over the fact of the who that killed her, Alberta goes off on Hetty and feels regret for ever choosing to be her friend. And while she is relieved that her sister did not betray her, she is saddened that the person she considered to be like one did. And because of this, she is not able to forgive Hetty.

In “Man of Your DreamsAlberta finds out via Hetty that Thorfinn could possibly be the key to her finally getting “sucked off.” She spends a good portion of the episode in competition with Hetty, hoping to be Thorfinn’s next girlfriend.

After trying to warn Sam about Carol’s becoming a ghost, she and Hetty are shunned and told that their advice is outdated nor is it warranted. As slight retaliation, she and Hetty choose to then keep the news to themselves.

In “The Silent Partner”, Alberta agrees to pose as Pete’s fake girlfriend after watching him fail miserably in trying to impress his recently deceased widow. She reminds him that while she is willing to help him out as a friend, she will not fall in love with him at the end of it, which is a common theme in romantic comedies. However, after watching him finally tell the truth to Carol unapologetically and stand up for himself, as well as see him remove his arrow for what might’ve been the first time in front of her, she starts to see him in a new light.

Appearance

Alberta is glamorous and beautiful. She wears her hair in a short bob, cut close to the ears, with bangs, a hairstyle known as “flapper-esque”. Her beautiful skin is accented with deep burgundy lipstick and blush. She stands about 5’5 and has deep brown eyes. She wears a beautiful velvet, burgundy cowl neck ruched dress with a matching kimono-type outer layer with a fringed hem. 1920s fashion was not complete without accessories and Alberta accessorizes to the nines! Her dress is complemented by a three long strand pearl necklaces and a burgundy hat accented by feathers in the same color which are secured by a crystal beaded hat brooch. Albertas‘ style signified the evolution in fashion for Black women in the 20s. During the Harlem Renaissance, Black women used their increased wealth to fancier, more colorful, and more expensive clothes that were only worn by white women prior to the 1900s. A common expectation for going out in public was to wear this nicer clothing.

Trivia

  • Alberta is loosely based on the BBC version’s Thomas. They both are creative artists (Alberta, a singer and Thomas, a poet) who often exaggerate their own significance and find ways to show off their talents at every possible opportunity.
  • Alberta is the first ghost to be “seen” by Jay as he sees a tattoo of the ghost’s face on a super fan that comes to stay at the house (“Alberta’s Fan”)
  • Alberta is the only ghost so far who was murdered intentionally.
  • Alberta is the second woman to have died on the Woodstone Mansion property and to become a ghost. She is the 5th oldest ghost and the 5th most recently deceased putting her right in the middle.
  • Like her character, Danielle Pinnock is first generation Jamaican, her parents having immigrated to the US from Jamaica.

Quotes

  • “Oh I should sing something to ease her transition. (sings) Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • (sings) “…home awaiting in the sky, oh in the skyyyy.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “We can’t kill them. No, I mean we don’t have the ability. Can’t pick up a gun. Can’t put their feet in cement and drop them off a country bridge. I went with a bootlegger for a spell. You hear things.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “It kinda feels like I’m opening for Trevor. Now, I don’t need to headline this haunting but… okay, fine.” (Season 1, Episode 1)
  • “My death, like my life, was spectacular. Had to be! No way I went out from something boring like a busted ticker.” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “Hi. Alberta. Can you find out who murdered me?” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “Who would want me dead? I was a beloved jazz singer. Okay, there was one person. She thought I was having an affair with her husband. I was sleeping with him, but she didn’t know that so in a way I kinda wasn’t as far as she knew.” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  • “I want you to invite the descendants of the ten most likely suspects of my murder to a dinner party, find out who did it, and exact revenge.” (Season 1, Episode 2)
  •  “Yeah, it could be useful to have a living that we can talk to. I can get her to look into the mysterious details surrounding my mysterious death.” (Season 1, Episode 2).
  • “Ooh nothing better than watching a good husband/wife argument! What’s the beef?” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “This Spotify thing. Am I on there? Ooh I’d love to hear some of my old recordings instead of that racket Jay’s been listening to.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • Sings “Do not ignore a woman.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “I don’t even know what she pretending to be doing.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “I’ll give you a piece of advice my bootlegger boyfriend used to live by. Get rid of the damn body.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “Just let me say my peace. When you were alive, women couldn’t vote. And when I was alive, we got the vote, but they ain’t make it easy. And for people like me, it was still almost impossible because the man didn’t want to give up that power. The point is, too many people worked too hard and sacrificed too much for you to just throw this away.” (Season 1, Episode 3)
  • “People rounding up ghosts, keeping them some contraption! For what? Til when? Also ,why the hell are they all green? Were they green in life? I mean what died and made that ghost?” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “Not so fast! Something doesn’t smell right here. Thorfinn, sounds like those kids are in alot of trouble. Do you think they deserve it? Spill it, Iceberg! What are you sitting on?” (Season 1, Episode 5)
  • “You date a two-timing bootlegger for 5 years; you learn to tell when someone’s lying.” (Season 1, Episode 5).
  • “Pete, you had a side!” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “Mmm I would literally kill anyone in this room for a Sazerac right now.” (Season 1, Episode 6)
  • “Wait I got an article idea for you. What about a profile of a local celebrity? I’m right here! You said you wanted a good story. I’m a good story.” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “Mmm, that girl is hiding something. And if she’s hiding something, it’s probably juicy. And if it’s juicy, I’m gonna need to know it.” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “You know what I thought was awesome, Issac? How my girl, Flower here stood up to Sam about the bank robbery. That’s not Sam’s story to tell, that’s Flower’s thing.” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “Nobody move. She has one plus one but I’m not confident if she knows it makes two.” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “I just have one thing I gotta you then I’ll leave you be. I never shared the stage with Cab Calloway. I know I always brag about that, but it didn’t happen! I did share a cab with him once. No! Oh you know what? Ahh, I’m lyin again! I never even met the man.” (Season 1, Episode 7)
  • “We’re dead. And just looking for exciting things to happen around here to fill up the days. Why are you listening to us?” (Season 1, Episode 7).
  • “Well I’m not messing with the Yeti. I’m getting back in the boat!” (Season 1, Episode 8)
  • “Yeah! Momma has a fourth level spell slot she’s itching to use!” (Season 1, Episode 8)
  • “Oh, that’s right. Thank you for reminding me of my endless purgatory.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “What? A book about me! Did you hear that, Issac?” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Can you record this? Whip out that damn IPhone, Sam!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Genius! This man is a genius!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “This Alberta person? Girl, like we ain’t besties! (laughs) You so good!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Handsome and heavy. I remember lugging that thing over from the motel the night I performed… I wasn’t allowed cause you know, racism.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “The man is an academic. He’s just looking for clues. See, this is how you connect with history.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Daddy could slay the stove! He should’ve had his own restaurant but again, racism.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Oh don’t make me hate my own face, Todd you creepy nut!” (Season 1, Episode 9)“Look, I know I wasn’t famous in my day. But when Todd showed up, for a second I thought wow the world remembers Alberta Haynes. But the truth is the only one who remembers me is some creepy weirdo with a jar full of toenails. Child, that’s my legacy… it’s not just about Todd. My daddy couldn’t achieve his dreams because the world held him back. But he always told me I could. That’s why I wanted to be a star so that his struggle would’ve been worth it. But I guess I failed him.” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Wait, 50,000? What do you mean views? What is views? Is that people?” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Because I’m famous!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Oh God, Todd I love you, ya freaky bastard!” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “Ugh…Why are all the good ones always married and alive?” (Season 1, Episode 9)
  • “I told you all I was too important to die of a heart attack! (Season 1, Episode 9).
  • “No. Oh don’t make me hate my own face! Todd – you creepy nut!” (Season 1, Episode 9).
  • “I couldn’t sleep last night – just haunted by my own face.” (Season 1, Episode 9).
  • “If he dies, he could become a ghost and I’m not spending eternity with my stalker.” (Season 1, Episode 9).
  • “Uh, no breaks. You’ll sleep when you’re dead!” (Season 1, Episode 9).
  • “Ma Rainey – who? Billie Holiday – where? Bessie Smith – what? It’s about Al-berta Haynes. (Season 1, Episode 9).
  • “Thank God I died dressed to the nines.” (Season 1, Episode 10)
  • “Nancy is amazing. Such a free spirit, no pun intended. She seemed really happy. You must be a good boyfriend, Pete! Wish I could be treated well, like Nancy. It’s just when I was alive, I was with a bunch of cheats and liars. Maybe cause I thought I didn’t deserve better… Too bad. Nancy got the last honest guy.” (Season 1, Episode 11)
  • “Damn Issac, we ain’t even smelled our morning coffee yet!” (Season 1, Episode 12)
  • “What are y’all talking about? Pete’s finally sticking up for himself and you think that’s a bad thing? Well, I like this new Pete. He’s got gumption and maybe the answer isn’t him going back to the way he was. Maybe the answer is all of us actually learning to compromise for once.” (Season 1, Episode 12)
  • “Don’t get me started on Al Capone (laughs). That man was clingy!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “I have a plan, but it only works if you have a tommy gun.” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “Oh my God! He just went down on us!” (Season 1, Episode 13)
  • “I’ve been using that for years. Told Al Capone that everything he invited me to the Hotsie Totsie Club.” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Yea, you two working together is like Fats McGinty and Slow Eyes Billy Walker working together. They were two people who always thought they were right, but in the end it all worked out. Fats had Billy thrown into a vat of acid. But after that, he ain’t have to worry about him at all.” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Ah classic Sam stormoff.” (Season 1, Episode 14)
  • “Well now those waffles smell like deception, mmm and vanilla… nice touch!” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “Oh dammit, Thor! You ate your friend’s heart!” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “Oh come on now! We have so little!” (Season 1, Episode 15)
  • “I would argue a lead pipe beats that, but I get your point.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Oh well, you know I do love talking about myself. Ask away.” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “And are you sure Trever didn’t, like, put hot sauce in the man’s pants to burn the guy’s weiner?” (Season 1, Episode 16)
  • “Oh I swear! Livings are so lazy these days! Can’t even be bothered to put on a record! They just wanna say ‘Alexa, play jazz’! ‘Alexa, what day of the week is it?’ I am a god!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Okay, this is getting out of hand! Shop is closed for the day! Y’all are needy!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “I have walked a mile in Sam’s shoes today and that woman is a saint! Y’all coming up to me, every second asking something. ‘Who won the World Series in 1993?’ Who cares! ‘What’s the capital of Idaho?’ Child, I don’t give a damn! So yea, maybe Sam does have some demands and rules but she needs them cause y’all are annoying!” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “Look, it doesn’t matter how naive or clueless you may have been, you didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. And we would never purposely make you feel worse about it.” (Season 1, Episode 17)
  • “We’re stuck in an endless purgatory. We saw a guy go down on us a couple weeks ago. And curses is where you draw the line?” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Hold up! Is this gonna reverse the bad things that’s happened as a result of the curse? Or is it just gonna stop more bad things from happening in the future?” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Well… Thor said the curse made Sam fall down the stairs which is the thing that gave her the ability to see us. Y’all get where I’m going with this?” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “Aww Sam! If this is goodbye…I’m gonna miss you. And I forgive you for not solving my murder. Although I guess you could still be working on it. If you make any progress, just stand in the middle of the room and just tell me. I’ll be here.” (Season 1, Episode 18)
  • “There is one other possibility… we spy on them! Not for our entertainment, but to help you guys. See what they’re really saying behind closed doors!” (Season 2, Episode 1)
  • “Good evening, Harlem! Unfortunately, Clara couldn’t make it, huh. But I’m Alberta Haynes, and I’ll be taking care of y’all tonight!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Thor! Don’t be a rat. In the world I come from, there was nothing worse. Yeah, we did some shady stuff, but we had a code. A code you did not break. It’s what inspired my hit song ‘Don’t Be a Rat.’ (sings) Hey, they’ll flip on just like that. There’s nothin worse than a low-down rat…” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Mm-mm, thank, no pod, no Todd. We’re not doing no podcast no more, Sam.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Diaries are personal so keep your looky-loo hands off it!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Sam, you’ve got to get that back! There’s something in there that can’t get out.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Remember the story of how I got my big break? The headliner, Clara Brown didn’t show so they asked me to perform in her place. What I never told y’all was the real reason Clara was a no-show that night. It was cause she got arrested and spent the night in jail. And the reason she was arrested was because… I ratted her out! I’m a rat y’all! A rat!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “This is all your fault, Sam! If you hadn’t brought Todd back, no one would have found the diary and none of this would be happening. (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Oh my God. I’ve lost Todd!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Things weren’t easy for a woman my size back then. Sure, we had Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith, but that didn’t mean that was what the club owners were looking for. And I was tired of being overlooked. (Flashback) I agreed to stay on as one of Clara’s backup singers, hoping someday my talent would win out. For two years, I watched on stage as someone less deserving lived my dream right in front of me. One day I decided I wasn’t gonna take it no more. I knew Clara dabbled in bootlegging mostly cause I dabbled in bootlegging. And so I dropped a dime on her and became a rat.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Smug little floozie couldn’t even hit a high C!” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “Cause it’s not easy for me to be… vulnerable. I mean people see me as this super-confident diva. But the truth is, that’s an armor I wear. I struggle like everyone else. But I don’t let that show. I need to be my loudest fan. Cause God knows there’s always been plenty of folks trying to tear me down.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “You’re saying I’m the female Momoa?” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • “I’m comin for you, Regular Joes! Alberta’s gonna inject some hope into your dreary lives.” (Season 2, Episode 2)
  • Flower, you got a sec? I wanted to ask you about what you said earlier? About how sometimes people choose a cult over their family. I kinda got a sense there was more to that story… Hey Flower! Girl, you were just telling me the story about you choosing the cult over a family member!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Well, it sounded like your brother was just trying to protect ya. Maybe you should be angry at the people who made you choose between them and your own family!” (Season 2, Episode 3)
  • “Rich and handsome…if only he were dead.” (Season 2, Episode 4)
  • “It’s a steep price, but at least I’ll get my Jason Momoa fix. And we will be watching certain scense in slo-mo.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “Aquaman. Then, if there’s time, select scense from Game of Thrones. And you know the ones I’m talkin about.” (Season 2, Episode 6)
  • “It’s crazy you can publicize a drinking event. In my day, when folks were boozing, you didn’t know if you were going to get arrested, get shot, or go blind. Ooh-whee! It was fun!” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Sam, we’re being raided. Toilet, sink, or drink. You gotta get rid of the hooch!” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Well, you have a bunch of booze, and a bunch of thirsty customers with Johnny Law breathing down your neck. And you also have a secret room with a hidden entrance… Girl, I’m saying let’s do a damn speakeasy!” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Pete, you spent your whole life being afraid. Don’t make that same mistake in your afterlife. Just go for it.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “Okay. You’re gonna see this as a defeat, but this is a proud moment for you, and I want you to acknowledge that.” (Season 2, Episode 8)
  • “I told y’all we should’ve went with ‘White Christmas’!” (Season 2, Episode 9)
  • “We missed you! With Freddie around, you were ignoring us. We didn’t want to share you! If you think about it, it’s actually very sweet. Feel free to ‘aw’ if you’re so moved.” (Season 2, Episode 11)
  • “The hell it was!” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • “Oh hell no. (humming) … He almost killed three of us.” (Season 2, Episode 13)
  • (Gasp) “The mishpucha?” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Ooh honey, this is one juicy conundrum. Do we let Issac know what Jenkins told y’all, or do we let him live in blissful ignorance?” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Boom. The mishpucha is back together.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Well, in my experience, nothing gets you over the last like the next. You gotta go smooch someone else.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Oh, baby, I can let you know. They did it… …uh-uh honey, I saw them. Wanted to make sure it happened for you, Trev. Congrats.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Alright, I’m gonna step in and momma bear. But you keep that baby shmeckel at a safe distance.” (Season 2, Episode 14)
  • “Thor, we’re gonna find out anything you have to say anyway, so just go ahead.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “ (sings) When life gets you down with a nasty surprise all you need to get by are beers, trucks and wives…” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “(gasp) Let’s take this limey bastard down.” (Season 2, Episode 15)
  • “Too late to throw that on his tombstone?” (Season 2, Episode 16)
  • “Let’s talk about cod. It’s a very bland fish. Probably the worst of all the fish… …And what’s the deal with those little girl braids in your beard? Did your friends do that for you at a sleepover?... … well they look stupid.” (Season 2, Episode 16)
  • “We knew you were too proud to brag on yourself, so we had Trev go on your computer and do it for you.” (Season 2, Episode 16)
  • “(screams) Get Back!” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Oh Pete, this can’t be! You’re going to Hell.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “I still think we should just be friends.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Hetty, I get not wanting this creep around, but you cannot let Pete go down on us. No one wants to see that!” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “But you do. Look, I’ve been with my fair share of no-good men, and something I wish I figured out when I was alive is that sitting around, fixating on them, it doesn’t hurt them. Trust me. They don’t care. It only hurts you.” (Season 2, Episode 17)
  • “Oh Sam, you gotta upgrade this girl. She is too good for Maple. Put her in Pine. And bust the free Toblerone.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh my God. This is my baby sister Reese’s kin. Sam, ask her how many other kids Reese had… what their names were and how many kids they had!... …I haven’t spoken to a family member in 100 years. What happened to Uncle Al? Did he ever kick that gambling addiction?” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh that means she’s smart! Y’all know how hard it is to get into law school?... …Shut up Flower! So is she seeing anyone? I don’t see a ring. Sam find out the scuttlebutt!” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh yea, I do have a type. But whatcha gonna do? The bad boys are much more fun.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Can’t you just interview someone yourself? We don’t need to drag creepy Todd into this.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh, that must be Todd. The things we do for family.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “I can’t believe it. My descendent is hot for Todd.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Sam! Help! Oh! I just eavesdropped on thai romantic stroll. They’re making plans to have dinner together here tonight.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “As you know, I died young… …And one of the worst things my murder took away from me was my chance to have kids, to be a parent and help guide someone through life. And now that Alicia’s here, this could be my one chance to help my family. Please.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “What’s wrong with safe? Girl, you killin it!” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “He’s trying to turn her into me. Creepy bastard!” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Yes! Cod got blocked, you creepy bastard.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh bullet dodged! Victory on my first day as a parent. Thank you, Sam.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Well, it’s all good now. Your auntie’s watching over you, making sure you don’t trip up.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • What!? I just fixed you! Why you doing something dumb again?” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • This is a nightmare! Now, Todd’s convinced my descendant she should throw away her career to pursue singing?... …My footsteps were hard. It was cutthroat, full of shady characters and backstabbers. I know, cause I did alot of backstabbing.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “No she would not. Sam, tell her she’s being a fool You don’t quit a job like hers to pursue some crazy fantasy. I mean, we don’t even know if the girl can sing.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Yeah, she makes good points, Pete, which s why she’s a good lawyer, which is why she should stick to that.” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Oh my God, she’s incredible!” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “Did my own sister murder me?” (Season 2, Episode 18)
  • “And I’m gonna help because Game of Thones is over, and Momoa is not in the spinoff.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Care to be more specific, tough guy? Do you have an alibi?” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Maybe someone you were beefing with. Someone who may have wanted to get you out of the way?” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Did you really think you’d get away with it?... …Exactly! That was your motive, getting him out of the way… …So you’re saying Flower might’ve had a motive for getting rid of Crash?” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “So, after Thor revealed you had a motive for getting rid of Crash, we have a culprit… …You hid Crash’s head! You and Crash were in an intimate relationship, but then he started bugging you. The crooning, the poems, the constant necking. It all became too much, so you dumped his head in the woods.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Pony and Bangs.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “Oh,uh, just one more thing, Pony. You said Crash was watching The Price is Right when his head was stolen. And…Crash didn’t tell us that. The only way you’d know what he was watching is if you were the one who grabbed Crash’s greasy mop and threw it in the woods… …It was you all along, Isaac. The only thing I can’t figure out is why.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “We could lock a basement ghost in the vault, and then find them again in a few days.” (Season 2, Episode 19)
  • “I root for them. It’s gonna be a bummer watching them wither and die, but right now, this is nice.” (Season 2, Episode 20)
  • “I was invited to perform at a party at Woodstone Mansion. It was New Year’s Eve. The joint was jumping. Ha-ha! Folks were getting zozzled. I was working the crowd and my bootlegger boyfriend was haggling with the homeowner over payment for the night’s booze.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Putting on those uncomfortable shoes was my first mistake. I was about to make my second. Somebody had left me a present.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “And you just traipsed through a field wearing a metal helmet during a lightning storm? What’s your point, Thor? We all go here somehow.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “It can’t have been Theresa. There’s no way my sister would have done that.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “It wasn’t my sister. We have a board full of suspects. We haven’t even looked into Clara yet. All signs point to Clara… …Well, many signs point to Clara. We know that she hated me because I ratted her out. And we know that she was there that night.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “We’re doing just fine without Todd. Thank you, Isaac.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “First of all, it was a very light facepalm. And secondly, old Al was always hitting on me. I didn’t think anything of it.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “That’s what the facts say, Sass. If he couldn’t have me, no one could.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “You’re saying that my sister really did kill me? I can’t believe this… …she was my best friend. I mean, I know we didn’t always get along, but…I thought we at least had each other’s back. But she killed me to be with Earl. Men would come and go, but we always said we would grow old together. But apparently that was all a lie. And now, I’m stuck with this pain for eternity.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “But why would he want to kill me? I-I didn’t even know the man.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • "Wait, so you’re saying that Earl was two-timing me with Thomas?” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “No I’m sorry. Sorry I ever considered you to be a friend.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “So you just say this and you think it makes it all better? Do you know how painful it’s been not knowing how I died for the last 100 years?” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Well, I’m glad my sister didn’t betray me. But the person who’s come to be like one did. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that.” (Season 2, Episode 21)
  • “Flower, will you please tell Hetty that I’m still not talking to her.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “Oh, it’s necessary. It’s time to pay the piper, Hetty Woodstone.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “I mean, it’s frustrating for y’all. But as an entertainer, I respect his showmanship.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “In summation, for a hundred years, Hetty’s been pretending to be my friend. Withholding the truth about how I died. This was a century of betrayal. And I hope this court remembers that when it comes time to sentence her.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “So like, I can’t even watch TV with her sometimes? Who am I going to make my naughty Momoa comments to?” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “And it’s a good thing you’ve embraced female friendships, cause you’re going to get alot of practice with Flower.” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  • “Unbelievable! We just solved my murder! What’s a girl gotta do to get sucked off around here?” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “This is unfair. She was here for, what 50 years? I’ve been stuck in this dump for a damn century.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “One of them asked me to scratch their back sores. I didn’t know what to say. I did it. I panicked!” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “What Pete wanted to say was…we’re having a memorial for Flower. And we’d like to invite you all to join us.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Isaac, sit your ass down. We’ll do your thing next week.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Our girl was strong-willed, single-minded in her focus. She knew she was never gonna catch that butterfly, but, man, did she never stop chasing it.” (Season 3, Episode 1)
  • “Bodybuilder Wives is not trash. It’s a peek behind the curtain of seven brave women and the muscle bound men they love.” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “Wait what? Our Thor? ‘Never learned pronouns’ Thor?” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “You know, I was thinking about that story you were telling the other day. The one about you raiding that village using those big, strong arms of yours… the one where you ripped a pig apart using your bare hands.” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “Mmm, I go first. You owe me. Your son killed me and you hid it for a century!” (Season 3, Episode 2)
  • “You’re away the whole weekend? Who’s gonna flip pages in my magazines.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Solving my murder doesn’t even make the list? You son of a bitch.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “So nice to meet you. Skipping over pleasantries. I need a page turn in my People magazine.” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Sam’s on board with this meshuggener?... Can you name one jazz artist!?” (Season 3, Episode 3)
  • “Oh don’t answer right away. Make em sweat a little.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “I ain’t gonna sugarcoat it. It was a rough start, but it’s salvageable.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “Sam, we’re sorry we let you twist in the wind. It’s just that we were hurt.” (Season 3, Episode 4)
  • “Mark, getting bad news? The tables have turned.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “This is painful to watch.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Pete. You know, there’s history.” (Season 3, Episode 5)
  • “Pete, it’s okay. You can tell her about us… I asked Pete not to say anything. We just wanted to make sure you were okay to adjust to the afterlife, before we rubbed our relationship in your face.” (Season 3, Episode 5)